


What have you done to me - Adam Driver as doctor - not evil

by joker123



Category: Adam Driver - Fandom, Original Work
Genre: F/M, Prostitution, Sexual Abuse, Suffering, Violence, notGIRLS, notSW, personashit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2019-05-25 02:24:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14967095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joker123/pseuds/joker123
Summary: - It wasn't you - I said, fighting my tears.- I know ... yet I did them - I could hardly hear what he was saying, maybe he was speaking so quietly, or my ears were full of forgotten screams and cries again.- Please... Adam... - I could not continue. What could I say? The old reflex of mine kicked in again: you are not wanted, you must leave...This is my fiction of working together with Adam Driver (not as an actor but a physician) in a remote are of an African country (not determined) in aid work, and.... well getting in enormous trouble and pain, but also sparks of happiness.-----This is a story of Jo, giving up her former life, travels to Africa, to work in a medical aid group. Here, one of the doctors is Adam Ky (Driver). You can see the happenings, the ups but mostly downs through the eyes of Jo.WARNING: This writting may contain some violent acts agains adults and children. If you don't feel comfortable with this, you should not read





	1. Get the fuck out of here

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there so um.... not sure what to write here, as this (actually my one and only) work is still in progress.
> 
> So forgive my mistakes please, however you could outline them, as it would be really helpful. I am not a native speaker, so sure, there will be lot of grammar issues. Sorry for that.
> 
> Also, this is a story, that had been lingering in my head for quite a time now. Originally not with Adam Driver, but after watching The Force Awakens, I got blew away with his acting, his charisma, and after watching a lot of his movies (and ofc The Last Jedi) and interviews with him, I couldn't help, but replaced the original character of the story on m head, and rethink it big time, to meet this character of his.
> 
> Hope you like it :)
> 
> Some topics, issues and questions will appear in the story which are important to me, so I felt like including them. Social and personal stuff as well. Like:  
> \- prostitution ans child abuse: this is a topic that haunts me big time, I try to wrap my mind arround it, ty to deeply undertand. It is a painful topic, which I marginally involved in this story.  
> \- how can you come over your past mistakes/sins, when do you forgive to yourself: I guess most of us have smaller or bigger things we did in the past, whih we cannot forget or step away from. How you redeem yourself?  
> \- how far would you go, and what are the things you cannot forgive... to others: what are things you cannot accept once you learn of it about others? where is the line  
> \- consequences of your decissions: how can you come with your bad decision? How can others?  
> \- love and sex are not that important: and I am not saying that because I am a lonely unhappy person (on the contrary at the moment), however simetimes I feel (from conversations, articles, movies whatever), that this whole mistery of love is a bit overrated... however, change my mind :)
> 
> The list migh become longer in the process of writting.  
> This may seem as a personal journey for me (okay, it is), but feedbacks (positive r negative), or your oppinion would be really appreciated.
> 
> So erm... yeah for now, this is it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The part when you get some of Jo's background, motivation etc. And the way she ended up in an African hospital, with Adam as one of the doctors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this is harder than I thought :)

Life wasn't that bad. Actually compared to many others', my life was a piece of cake.  
With some ups and downs of course.  
But really I was fine.

However, destiny thought other ways.  
Which I was not ready for

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Ivan was my boyfriend for a good couple of years now. We had so much things in common, thinking alike about the world, being active in social things, doing volunteer work and such. I thought I was happy, and fulfilled with my, or our life. Of course we had our ups and downs, as every couple do, but we could get over them.... well most of them. We tried to be as honest with each other as possible, being there for discussing any issue we faced. There were arguments, small fights, but at the end, we always came out of it feeling stronger for each other.

Well except the topic of children. He wanted to have kids. I did not. At that time I thought I cannot have children anyways, due to some hormonal issues. So it was clear for me. I made it clear to Ivan as well, during a hard argument, approximately half year after we got together. after expressing his doubts of being with me is really what he wants, I told him, to chose if he wants me or not, but take in consideration that we will not have children... period. A few days later he called, almost crying, saying that he is sorry, he thought about how it would be, not being with me, and it was terrible, so he wants this relationship if I still want to be with him. Of course I wanted. From that point, it was almost all sunshine happiness and rainbows with glitter. 

Then something changed. I don't know if our life together, his professional life got boring or he just grew old enough to change his mind, he pulled out the topic of having children again. First I tried to postpone this conversation, maybe this is just a weak flame, and it will pass. We agreed years ago, we will not have children. So what the fresh fuck is this?  
But he insisted to have a serious talk over it. I explained my points on it, that being so active inside and outside work (social volunteering in all our free time), not earning enough money, now owning an appartment, are practical factors, that are topping me from saying 'yes'. Also I might not be fit for the task biologically, and the fact that I have to be fully responsible for a child, doing my best to nurture a normal person, but having the big possibility of absolute failure scared the shit out of me. I was not made for motherhood. after long hours of argument, he accepted my points.  
But things never were the same. I felt it, but did not want to act on it. I hoped it will pass. 

Somehow it did, but not the way I wanted.  
One night, I was home, doing some creative work for a change (oh, how I awaited to have time alone, to do my stupid montage stuff), when Ivan arrived.... It was almost dawn. He was drunk and seemingly confused.  
\- We need to talk- he said.  
\- I think we should talk in the morning - I replied. I was not angry. Being drunk happened with us, either him or me, it was not a bad thing at all. And also I wanted to finish my creative work.  
\- Now please - he insisted. I was not happy. What the fuck?  
\- Okay - I said sitting next to him on the sofa.  
\- I did something really bad Jo - he said after a little pause, fighting with himself to be able to look into my eyes, but he managed. I did not answer. Looking at him, I was waiting for him to explain.  
But he could not continue, a shy teardrop shaking at the corner of his eye.  
\- I am listening - I tried to ensure him.  
\- I.... I slept with another woman- he spitted out finally, like a gulp of wine that tastes really awful.  
I was shocked. Why would this happen? What did I do to let this happen? What went wrong with us, that made him feel, he needs anther woman, another pussy? I couldn't even determine how i felt. angry? sad? betrayed? disgusted? Maybe all of the above.  
\- What am I suppose to say now? - I asked at last - What do you expect from me now?  
\- I am so sorry Jo! - he cried out - I know being drunk is not an excuse, it just happened, and now I feel really terrible - he was heavily crying now. And I pitied him. This is an unexpected bump on our road. We need to work hard, to fix this.  
\- Okay - I said lightly hugging his shoulder - take a shower and sleep on the couch now please. In the morning everything will be better, and we can talk, when you are sober.

I think none of us could sleep much that night. In the morning he had the facial expression of a dog, who just bit his loving master, and now ready for all the punishment he deserves.  
But I was not the punishing type. I believed that cheating is the indicator of some anomaly in a relationship, and it should be examined, discussed, and solved if possible.  
I gave him a cup of coffee, sat on the other side of the table, and waited for him to start. But he couldn't.  
\- Ivan, I cannot speak when it is your task to - I said, but not as a scolding, but to advance his speaking.  
\- I am really sorry and ashamed Jo - he started with shaking voice. - We got drunk at that club last night with the guys. He was the sister of some guys I only met at concerts. Sh was friendly, we drank and dance - So far for me the story was okay. In our relationship it was okay, to party and dance with others.  
\- Then we started kissing on the dance floor, and I lost my fucking mind there - he burst out in tears again, trying to hold my hand, but I preferred him not to.  
\- The next thing I knew is we were at his brother's place, and.... and .... - he had hard time to spit out the last word, we both knew what they were. But he had to say it, he had to confess, before we could move on - We fucked like rabid animals. I'm so damn sorry Jo, if only I could make it unhappen -

After his confession we had an awfully long talk, long story short, we agreed in forgiveness, and that we will concentrate more on each other. I was happy that we could discuss it. After all I loved him dearly, and did not want to loose him, and I was determined to do as much as I could, to forgive. I think I managed.

Two months passed. We were okay. Our trust had to be rebuilt to some degree, but we were managing. Ivan was happy to have a partner so forgiving, and I was thrilled to have an honest boyfriend. After all he could have hid away the whole incident. Well, for other reasons he could not.  
His phone rang one evening. He went out from the room to talk. It was quite a long one, but I did not care. Until he came back. Pale face red eyes,almost crying.  
-What happened?-  
\- The girl I had the affair with- he started hesitantly - she called. She ... she is pregnant.-  
I was speechless. This is not happening. This just cannot be reality. I was just staring at Ivan, not really knowing what to say. I was lucky I was sitting on the bed, otherwise I am sure I would have collapsed. I felt my whole body shaking with anger and disbelief.  
\- I agreed to meet her tomorrow, to take a test. One of his friends work in such a lab, so they can do it for us.-  
Okay, this is reasonable - I thought. Maybe this is not our problem. Maybe she is a promiscuous young lady, a big fan of one night stands. I fucking strongly hope. Yes, this has to be the situation. It must be. I cannot deal with any other reality.  
\- Fine - i said finally, getting myself together. - We see where this leads then - I was surprised how calm I could speak. I should be screaming, having an anger rush, shouting awful things at him. He might expected that also. But it did not happen. Instead I got my bag, ensuring I have enough water and tobacco in it, and left. I had to be alone.

I was wandering in the city all night, drinking and smoking. I managed to get some weed as well. I had to numb myself. Surprisingly I was not crying. Just walking until I had no strength in my legs, and drinking until I had no thoughts in my mind. And it was okay like that.

Days passed. We agreed with Ivan that he will move to one of his friends until the results are out.  
Then we had them. He was the father. My world was burning. This incident was Nero, burning up my Rome.  
We talked again for a long time. He wanted to be a father, and did not want to force the girl to abort the child. The girl liked the idea of being a mother anyways. My doom was ready.  
The breakup was unbearable. I was betrayed, my soul hurt, agonizing pain, I had no solid ground under my feet, not able to concentrate at all. He left to stay with her. With a girl who an give him a child.

For days I was just drinking and smoking. Alone. I did not want my friends (who were his friend also) to see me like this.  
In more sober moment when I could focus better, I was thinking about what now. I don't want to be here, where everything reminds me of him, of my loss, of the miserable shit I am.  
After days of self pity I had an idea; I was twice in Africa volunteering in development aid projects, and as I am a biologist now, with a degree in microbiology and epidemiology, working as a sort of social worker now.... I could return to the black continent as a professional. 

some weeks later I have found what I was looking for. With preparations, getting the papers and permits I was ready to leave. Leave my life, that was burning inside me, all the self harm I was "enjoying" lately, to do something that has a purpose larger than my own fucked up life: work with rescued child soldiers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this part there are some real life personal things from my relationship  
> Ofc his name was not Ivan. That was another guy.
> 
> I rush to include Adam in the next chapter
> 
> Please leave comments.


	2. entering a fresh hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, the story teller (Jo - is a female ofc) after serious amount of paper work, fighting bureaucracy, getting all the medical treatment (mostly vaccinations) needed, competing the training needed for the job, refreshing her Swahili language skills (remember, she spent time in Africa before), fighting through border control, finding her contact person from the NGO she now works for in Africa, arrives on the location she will work at, assisting the doctors, working with the children often saved from paramilitary groups used as child soldiers, slaves prostitutes or who know what horrific tasks.  
> Now she will meet all her work mates, doctors, other assistants, volunteers, and leaders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swahili terms might appear in the text, really sorry I used google translator for that (I studied Swahili for a short time, but yeah it is not enough).  
> Now there will be some Adam in it, as that is the whole point of this story :D

After long hours of traveling, standing in queues, being lost in no name streets, holding a piece of paper with the hostel address I have to meet my contact, sweating my ass of, gently fighting away beggars and pick-pockets on the street, I arrived to the designated building. It is a not so big two floor hostel, I think for travellers with not so much money, but a taste for adventure. I entered the building meeting the receptionist, kindly greeting me.  
\- Hello, I am here to meet Mr Moussa Jones please - I said politely.  
\- Hmmmm, yes miss, let me see.... yes, oh wait, yes - he blabbered. - Yes, I see, he has an appointment here at 9am... which is now... well he did not arrive till now, please sit in the hall, I will let you know, if he is here. -  
Oh yes, the good old African time keeping. There is no punctuality here. Not because the people here are rude, but they understand time differently, and besides, the bus service here is.... well not so effective; I remembered. Anyway, I sat in a slightly used armchair, bit stinky, and get my papers, to review, what did I got myself into.  
After an hour or so, while I was totally sinking into my papers full of descriptions a man approached me. A black guy around fourty-something years old, smiling widely.  
\- Good afternoon, I am Moussa Jones, sorry for my delay - he said. I stood up and introduced myself, saying, his lateness is not a problem, I am familiar with the conditions here. He escorted me to the jeep he came with, to take me to the place I will work from now on. On the road he asked about me, my past, my motivation, and also told some stuff about the place we are heading to, and the people working there. I couldn't wait to see.  
After 3-4 hours of travelling and chatting (and getting soaking wet with my own sweat), we were literally in the middle of nowhere, on a dirt road, the trees are scarce, no villages, or at least not much they were still living in. I could see the awful marks of previous fights, marks of detonations and bullets, ruined buildings, burned huts, and not much life. Saddening

Then finally I cought site of the place. Moussa said, they call it Camp Heaven, however the official name is Sanctuary for the Wounded, operated by the Church and the Red Cross together. I could see a bigger probably stone building, and some other smaller ones, I guessed made of mud-bricks. And maybe a tiny church, was not sure. 

Finally we arrived and I got out of the car, my ass now grew together with the seat, ouch, it was so nice to stretch out my body. Some kids were playing in the dirt outside, they approached us with great curiosity. I greeted them, with unsure Swahili words, they laughed, and grabbed my bags, to help take them in. An older guy appeared at the entrance of the big building. He opened his arms wide, shouting as he came closer.  
\- Welcome here, so happy you finally arrived. - He introduces himself as Father William, as head of this facility here. He was very friendly, insisted to put my stuff down first in the dormitory I will be staying at, then he, and a couple of kids showed me around. The big building was actually the hospital, with rooms for the patients, an operating room, and storage for medicine and stuff. The smaller buildings were the dormitories for staff, and for those patients (children and adult) who were well enough not to be kept in the hospital area. As I learned there were some nuns and monks here, a few locals, who helped to run the kitchen and the facility, and volunteers, who were there to help the children get better, and process their trauma. Not an easy task. 

Walking in the hospital where the wounded and sick children were laying on all kinds of beds (donations from hospitals and charities) my heart was saddened at the view. Half alive kids with serious wounds on their bodies and even deeper ones in their souls. I can only imagine based on what I red and saw before, what these kids have been through. As passing one of the beds a tiny shaking hand touched mine. I looked there and I saw a young girl, with a bondage on her tiny skinny face, and other parts of her body, and a missing leg. She held my hand looking at me with deep brown eyes. She whispered:  
-Mama mwenye nywele za bluu- I smiled as my hair was more or less dyed blue at that time, and she was referring to that. I knelled down to her, holding her weak shaking hand in both of my palms, and tried my best to smile at her (I felt like crying at that moment to be honest). I tried to introduce myself:  
-Hello, jina langu ni Jo, jina lako ni nani? - She smiled back at me  
\- Gina - she whispered her name. I shook her hand gently.  
\- Wewe ni rafiki yangu? - she asked if we are friends now  
-Hakika - I nodded  
Then I sensed someone else is standing next to me. I looked up to see a tall man, with broad shoulders, dark hair half way hanging around his head looking down at me with the deepest brown eyes. I did not know this man, although I was introduced to nearly everyone here. All the doctors, and nurses and.... Oh well nearly everyone.  
I got up as Father William started to speak:  
\- Oh Jo, I am sorry, I did not introduce you to Dr Adam Ky, our best, and at the time only gynaecologist, also mastering parasitology and traumatology. - This doctor named Adam nodded, looked at me with an expression I could not understand, and reached out to shake my hand. His palm was big not too warm and he had a firm handshake, but I felt he made sure, not to squeeze the bones in my hand. He looked at me as Father William explained who I was, and why I was here. He nodded again:  
\- So you will be assisting us. I hope you will find what you are looking for here- Just what the fuck was that supposed to mean? Anyway I smiled and nodded, as it seemed this is a thing he understands and appreciates. He excused himself, turned around and left.  
Okay this guy is strange I thought, and followed Father William to learn everything possible of this place.  
\- We will eat supper at 7pm, then there is a small church service, if you feel like joining, however it is not mandatory. Until that time, make yourself home here. You will start working tomorrow. -  
I went back to my dorm, which I shared with 2 other girls Yvette from Germany, and Laura from the US. I learned that the 4 nuns sleep in a different dormitory. These girls were friendly, and luckily we had a spare bed in the room, so we could use it as a sort of shelf. For the time left until dinner I spent the time with them, and they tried to give me more personal introductions to the people here, than Father William did.  
The dinner was in a separate room; it was big enough so we did not have to squeeze ourselves in. The food was poor, some rice porridge cooked vegetables and tea or water. Luckily the water was clean here, Laura said, but she advised me to drink tea, as then the water is boiled and for sure safe. I hate tea, but took her advice. I was sitting with the girls and the four volunteer boys, George and Hugh from Ireland, Ben from Australia, and Giles who was from South Africa, but white. At our table sat some of the local workers, they were nice as well. The professional staff sat at another table, and the nuns and monks also separately. Father William sat with the doctors. He stood up at the beginning, raising his plastic cup  
\- Shall we all welcome our new employee, Jo, who is from Hungary, helping us out with assistance work, from tomorrow dawn - My workmates raised their cups and said various greetings to me. This was nice. However, I noticed that dr Ky and 2 of the nouns were missing. We ate our food in a relatively cheerful atmosphere. 

I asked the others where the missing people are, they said, one of the children got worse, and they are attending the little patient. After dinner, I could get some water to relatively clean myself. I was tired, but the feeling of being back in Africa again, and the excitement of my new job could not let me sleep. I went back to the hospital building to look around if any help is needed. I saw a little light in one of the rooms, so I peeked in. It was dr Ky there. Sitting next to a bed with a small body on it. Somehow he sensed me.  
\- You should be sleeping now, tomorrow, and all the days after will be really demanding - he said in a low, deep voice, that resonated within me, not looking at me.  
\- Sorry dr Ky, I did not mean to disturb, but I cannot sleep now. So I am looking for something to do. - I answered hesitantly.  
\- Adam... it is Adam, don't have to be so formal here. - now he looked at me. His eyes were tired, like looking into a century old well, still having some clean water at the bottom.  
\- Sorry.... Adam - I said confused.  
\- No problem. -  
\- May I ask what is wrong with the kid? - I asked again hesitantly.  
\- She has high fever. From her wounds. She was brought here a couple of days ago, we are still trying to fight for her - he said with a sigh, looking back at his tiny patient. - Now she calmed down, she was screaming and crying earlier-  
I stood there for a few moments in the door.  
\- How do you know Swahili? - he asked turning to me again.  
\- Well.... I studied - nice Jo, really clever. So I added - this is not my first time in Africa, so I had to learn it before. - again really smart. He nodded. Oh god, I could look in those eyes like forever. I was sure, this man saw many things, many sufferings, and did a lot to make things better... or not so worse. His eyes were the wells of experience, stories of struggle and pain, examples of situations where you are unable to help. He must be a veteran doctor - I thought. By looking at him, I understood the burden of this job, that whatever I saw back home, the pitiful life of drug users and prostitutes we tried to help and support will be nothing compared to the experiences that are waiting for me here. I had to swallow. He looked at me, probably sensing my thought, he let me look in his deep wells of knowledge, to understand the seriousness of this god forsaken place. I felt I was melting looking at him. At that time, I did not notice how handsome he was in a weird way, but I just looked in those deep brown eyes.... he knew the suffering of these children, he knew how little we could do here, with the tools this hospital and community house had (as it turned out later, the dining place was actually a community house), and how desperate and hopeless the situation is here. For some reason I started to respect this man.  
I cleared my throat.  
\- Did you have anything to eat? I can check if there is anything for you-  
-You are kind thank you. I am not really hungry. But a cup of tea would be nice - I saw a tiny smile at the edge of his lips. I had the feeling this is a rare thing here. So I turned around and headed back to the kitchen. Luckily some helpers were there, and there was some tea left. A black lady named Rhoda warmed it up a little, and handed it to me. I got back to the room with Adam and the sick little girl as fast as I could. 


	3. When reality kicks in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get real for Jo. After some days or weeks of getting used to the things and work it the Camp of Heaven, life with all its harshness shows itself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay I try to speed the happenings of the story up. Enough of the nice and smooth foreplay.  
> Tell me if it is boring (or you dont even have to tell me), I am just trying to build up a good background. But i promise is stop it, and try to be more interesting :D

After a few weeks in the Camp I got quite used to the daily routine. Getting up early as fuck, helping the doctors and the nuns who were all trained nurses with attending the patients. At that time there were fifty-something children and some adults. Mostly young women who were attacked by the paramilitary soldiers. I could use well my previous experiences and knowledge, and also my Swahili language. I was surprised that most of the volunteers and even some of the professional staff did not speak this common language, so I often had to interpret between patients and doctors or nurses. Although the nuns and monks did better in this field than the others.  
We did not receive any new patient in the last couple of days, so life was quite calm. We had time to play with the children trying to ease up their post-traumatic stress, and find them places to go from here. Due to the good connections of the church and Father William himself most kids could go to boarding schools or foster homes (in country or abroad), however it was not rare that some children tried to run away. I could not blame them. Being in an alien place mostly surrounded by mzungus (white people), not knowing what will happen next. As child soldiers’ their life was tough and painful, but they knew what they have to do. Fight, survive and fulfil the orders of their commanders. Not only on the battlefield, but also, other places.... like in beds.  
It was hard to distance ourselves from their suffering. But at a degree we ll had to keep ourselves separated from their trauma. Otherwise, if you sink in their story too deeply, you would not be bale to concentrate on curing them. At least I was advised to do so, mstly by the nuns, surprisingly. But I couldn't really. Dr Ky, sorry, Adam had a lot of work, being the only gynaecologist on the field. They had another one, but he died. Due to a raid on the Camp something like half a year earlier. I didn’t see Adam much, but as he had this strange habit to skip common dinner, we developed another habit of me fetching him a cup of tea every evening. Sometimes it was just that, I handed him the cup, and he somewhat dismissed me with a look in his eyes. I learned, it is not okay to bother him, when he wants to stay alone. Sometimes we had a small chat. He asked about my previous life, expressed his regret over my deceased parents (died in a car accident approx. 4 years ago), but did not tell much about his past. I did not insist. He will speak when he wants to. Anyways it was nice to be with him. I couldn't explain it to myself why. He was a big calm guy, I could witness him as an expert of his field during the day, he was kind and strict at the same time. I felt he is like a fabergé egg, with a complicated lock, but once it is opened, it might reveal a miracle. But we were far from opening anything. However night by night I felt he lets me closer to his inner self. I somehow realized, he might have been a traumatized child himself. He never talked about it directly, but from the mode he approached these sensitive topics, and how he talked about his patients, like he was actually having access into their minds an thoughts. It was spine chilling to realize that this guy Adam is not only expert of his field's biological part. To help him communicate, I tought him some Swahili expressions, and he was also curious to memorize some Hungarian words. It was heartwarming for me.  
Soon our nighlty routine moved from the room outside to the hospital steps. We realized, both of us are smokers, so it was settled then. ON the steps, with cigarettes, and if we could, some drinks as well. Not sure where did he store that ammount of tobacco, but I always forgot to ask. One morning some shouting and the sound of a horn woke us up earlier than we usually get up. We jumped out of the bed almost simultaneously and ran out to the yard. A lorry just stopped in the middle, some people jumped out of it, big machine guns in their hands, opening the back of the vehicle taking out a body on a stretcher.  
I was standing closest to the scene, one man with a gun in his hand approached me and before anyone could do anything he grabbed my shoulder and shouted in my face:  
\- Kupata daktari - he made his point slightly turning the gun to my head, to get a doctor for him. After he released me, I ran towards the hospital, but Dr Mike (traumatologist, specialized in wounds, have been to battlefields before) and Adam were already out. When turning around we saw the man grabbed Laura holding her to his chest pointing the gun at her head. He did not stop shouting:  
\- Jumla ni mgonjwa, msaada - I told the doctors, that they have a wounded soldier (I did not understand the word general) in the car, they must help him. Dr Mike ran to the wounded person, escorting the 2 other soldiers who carried the stretcher inside. Adam was not so keen on following them, slightly shaking his head. Father William appeared. Telling the guy with the gun to release Laura, no need for drama, we will help as we can. But the guy did not release. The other person who was the driver got out and lit his cigarette. He looked around, and I could not help noticing, that it looked as if he is actually searching for goods they could take. But he did not do anything just gazing at things at people. Especially the women. I was happy that the nuns are not outside, and I guessed Yvette managed to hide somewhere. Father William talked to the guy with the gun, trying to get Laura from her. She was really disciplined, she did not panic, or cry or anything. Just stood there, feeling the barrel of the gun pointed at her forehead.  
I was shaking. Looking at her, then slightly towards the hospital, maybe something is happening there. The guy with the cigarette came close to me. He blew the smoke into my face, grinning.  
\- kahaba na nywele za bluu (bitch with blue hair)- he said, stepping closer starting to touch my body. I involuntarily stepped back, and he grabbed me, his around my waist, holding my ass painfully. Father William started to protest in Swahili, asking the guy to let me go. Then he pulled out a small handgun from his pocket pointing it to the Father's head. I turned that way gently shaking my head, trying to make Father William understand, that I will be okay.... somehow. The guy still pointing the gun at the Father, looked back at me smiling, then suddenly, he licked my face. His breath was awful, smelled from some alcohol, and avoiding toothbrush for more days now. I could feel his cock getting harder as he squeezed me to himself, painfully holding my ass. I wanted to turn away but I couldn't. I felt disgusted, close to vomit the whatever I was eating last evening. The guy looked at the other one holding Laura captive, grinning.  
Oh no, this is not happening - I thought, but actually it was happening. The guy who held Laura dragged her in one of the huts, while the other stayed there, grabbing me, pointing at the Father with his gun. I was desperately trying to figure out what to do. If I grab his cock and squeeze it really hard, maybe he would release, but I was afraid, that he would then shoot father William. Soon we heard screams and shouting from the hut, and we all knew what was happening. I tried to hold back crying, and still trying to come up with a plan, but at the brink of absolute panic my brain was not working really well. It just cannot happen, that we all stand here, allowing a bastard to fuck the living shit out of our mate.  
Suddenly a gun was fired. The one inside the hut. The screaming and yelling stopped. And only the man came out. His uniform was slightly covered in blood, and he had that awful smile on his face. He nodded to the other guy, and he began to toss me in the same hut. I tried to calm myself down, I will figure out something, once we are inside, at least this man will not point his gun at the Father. We arrived inside, and he brutally tossed me on the ground. I hit my head on the floor, but immediately turning around. I felt ready to fight for my life. But he just laughed, and pointed to the corner of the room with his gun. Laura was there. Her body laying face down, with a growing blood pool under her. She was dead. Then he pointed outside, saying:  
\- If you don't do as I say, your priest dies. And we kill everyone else. Understand kahaba na nywele za bluu? - I was scared, so I nodded. He rapidly unbuttoned his trousers, quite skilfully, with one hand, as he was holding the gun in the other. His manhood was huge, and he waved at me to come closer. I stood up stepped in front of him. He pushed me to my knees:  
\- Suck it good bitch. If you bite, you and your friends are all dead. - he pointed his gun to my head. So I started. I could only get half of his cock in, which was already hard, but I tried my best to satisfy him for dear life. I held back my tears and disgust. I was gagging almost at the point to vomit as he forced himself more deep in. After a little time, he pulled out slapped me in the face so hard I fell on the dirt floor. He grabbed me, so I faced him again, pushed me on the floor, and forcing his cock in me. I could not help, I screamed loud, as it hurt a lot. Too big, too forceful...  
\- You like it ehh, blue bitch?- he spat in my face - You are a wet little scum, you want this - He held me down by my throat slightly suffocating me as he fucked me with hard, strong strokes, still pointing his gun at me. I didn't scream more, I just tried to survive. He was tearing me up inside I was quite sure I am bleeding by now. I closed my eyes, but he began to choke me.  
\- Look at me blue bitch! - he shouted.  
He banged me hard, but luckily not for too long. He tore of all my clothes, sometimes biting me or hitting with the handle of the gun. I was disgusted, almost fainting from the pain and lack of air. When he saw this he slapped me violently.  
He just finished his gruesome act, when shouting started from outside. He left me there on the floor, filled up and covered in cum and some blood. I didn't move. I couldn't. I looked at Laura's dead body and couldn't help but started crying. I heard a vehicle engine starting, followed by shouting and some shootings. They left.  
A minute later people entered the hut. It Was Father William, a nun and Adam. The two of them approached me, while father William knelled down to Laura. Adam looked at me, but I had to turn my head away from him. I was disgusted and desperate, still crying, and for some reason I attempted to push them away from me, though I didn't have much strength. Adam tried to calm me:  
\- Shhh, it is over now. Let me take you to the examination room, okay? - I nodded. He gently lifted me up, holding me gently but tightly to his chest, and took me out. I couldn't help but putting my arms around his shoulder, to feel the warmth of his body, and his hard beating. With my final glimpse in the room I saw Father William still on the floor next to Laura with the nun, both crying.  
Adam quickly passed the yard, holding me, stormed into the hospital building, into a separate room. He gently placed me on a bed.  
\- Jo, I have to examine the damage - he said in a calm but strict voice. I don't know why I shook my head, still under the effect of the rape, I covered my face and cried. He waited a bit for me to calm down. He put one hand on my shoulder, gently stroking. I tried to pull myself together, I kept saying to myself, that I have to allow him to examine me. I was so embarrassed, still aching and wasted. He slowly parted my legs, and placed a paper napkin under my bum.  
\- Shh, calm down now, let me help you. - He looked at me and I had to look back at him. His eyes were also wet with pain, and I felt, he understands my agony, he understands my pain. I slightly nodded.  
He pulled out some equipment gynaecologists use for examination. He did not speak much, only telling me, what he will just do, how it will feel. I tried to close my mind, but I was still sobbing, holding my head with my hands.  
\- I will use some cleaning liquid in you, that will wash out the remaining of it, and the blood. It might be stinging a bit, as you have wounds inside. Then I will put a tampon in with some antibiotic cream on it. That will be enough I hope. - he looked up at me, I saw he felt really sorry.  
\- Does this happen often?- I cried out.  
When he finished the treatment he sat near me holding and caressing my hand for comfort looking at me.  
\- It didn't happen if the past year. We thought that the front of the battle moved from this area. That is why we built the community house, to do more than just giving medical aid to the children and people here. That was when we allowed volunteers and people like you to join. Before we didn't have any women around. Because of the assaults and rapes. I am really sorry this happened. And we couldn't protect you.-  
\- And Laura is dead. They shot her like an animal! - I started to cry again I couldn't hold it back. Adam hugged me softly, stroking my hair.  
-We couldn't protect her either - he said, and I felt he is also crying.


	4. This is not supposed to happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things happen that were not supposed to, and others not, that Jo would love to.
> 
> Well life is unfair
> 
> I'm sorry, if this story is not so intense, well at least not sexually, than a lot of others on this site. I will try :)  
> But instead I tried to depict emotions, hope you like it. If yes or no, feel free to leave comments suggestions

The next couple of days were miserable. I had pain all over my body from the hitting and biting, and also from this strong internal feeling of being dirty and used. I tried to come over it. Adam helped a lot, insisting on the first day to check my status regularly, to see if my wounds heal as they should. Luckily they did. Also, we had some quick-check kits, and the results were negative for STD-s and pregnancy.  
I have spent a lot of time amongst our little patients, and also the adult women, who were also raped and assaulted. We tried to ease each other’s pain and natural guilt. Not sure why, all those who suffer rape or such actions, have this inexplicable remorse. I was not an exception. Especially when Adam was between my legs changing the antibiotic tampon, I was always unintentionally hiding my face with my hands. I was so embarrassed. We grew to be friends in the past weeks, and him seeing me like this was more than humiliating. But he was really professional, quick and almost painless. We continued the tea-habit, but with much more talking and smoking. Sometimes until dawn. He was good in picking up some Hungarian expressions, soon enough he knew quite a lot. With a cute accent of course.  
Some days passed, but we received new patients every day. The locals were scarce, but they knew this place, and also we were found by accident by those running away from the fights. It seemed that the battlefront or whatever is getting closer. We began to run short of medicine and bandages. This worried the doctors a lot, but also the rest of us. And we had no equipment to protect those seeking refuge. And they became more and more. Soon we were running the hospital approx. 130-150%.  
Adam was exhausted all the time. We, the general stuff tried as best as we could to assist them. I worked a lot with Adam, attending mostly the rape victims. It was a demanding task. But regardless of his distress he always acted professionally, as effective as he could, but at the same time so gentle and understanding. I was amazed how he could handle all the stress and sorrow. I caught him sometimes just staring at me with those deep brown eyes. Sometimes one of us needed a hug, so that happened quite often as well. I felt his huge body sometimes almost going limp in my arms, as a sign of physical and mental exhaustion. Other times I felt the need to get close contact with him, often silently crying in his embrace, though I wanted to appear strong. Maybe stronger than I am in reality. He felt this, soothing me with his hand and gentle words. After a little I realised that these hugging sessions are more important to me than the once a day meal we got. I felt a bondage between us growing stronger with every minute we spent hugging each other. Once Adam even fell asleep like that, while I held him in my arms outside on the hospital steps. He was so peaceful while breathing light in his sleep. I gently caressed his raven hair, and it just felt the best remedy for all my pain.  
Yes, we were running short of food as well. Water was not a problem, there was a really reliable and deep well on the premises of the hospital.  
One evening we were talking with the other general staff, Dr Mike and Dr Shawn about the shortages we face, and that we will not be able to maintain the hospital for long, if we don’t get any help. Well we did not have many ideas. Suddenly Father William appeared. His face seemed to be troubled.  
-Friends – he started after looking around – I have made a decision. It was not easy, and my heart will be heavy, but this is something we should do. I have to ask all the women to leave the Camp, as it is highly dangerous for all of you to stay here. We cannot allow another Laura. – he paused for a second – I have already talked to our sisters, they agreed. - Now he sat down on one of the benches, grabbing a cup of tea. It was clear he does not want to send us away, but actually it made sense. However, I did not feel like going. I became agitated, I cannot leave now, who will stay to talk with the girls? I became desperate, but decided not to protest right now. I will talk to the Father later.  
Later.  
Later that evening I handed the cup of tea to Adam. He attempted to smile at me.  
\- Are you okay? – he asked. I nodded, but did not convince him. He insisted that I should talk.  
\- Father William wants to send the women away. – I said finally. I looked up at him. His eyes were darker, as he looked back at me, and after stretching his jaw awkwardly, as he sometimes did, he said:  
\- That is a really wise decision. I think you should go as soon as you can. This place is too dangerous for a white woman. –  
I did not want to hear this. I wanted him to ask me to stay. Hearing this felt horrible, and I could hardly hold back my tears. I looked at him pleadingly, but he remained still. Sipping his tea, he looked at me for a few moments, then looked away. I couldn’t stay. I felt unwanted, so I got up and left quickly. This is the perfect time to talk with Father William.  
I knocked at the Father’s cell door, then entered.  
\- Jo – the Father greeted me – I was expecting you. –  
\- Expecting me? How…. – I started, but I realized it is not important. So I got to the point straight:  
\- Father, you cannot send me away. I cannot go, and I don’t want to. –  
\- I know your work here is highly appreciated by all the staff, but I cannot ensure your safety. Our communication with the Church and the Red Cross is not working, so there is no place to ask for help. Please understand me. I cannot carry the burden of any of you being in danger. And women are in much higher risk. Please understand. –  
\- I never asked to be protected. I assigned for this job, knowing the situation here. Please Father, let me stay, I simply cannot go now, leaving the Camp behind. –  
\- I’m sorry Jo, this is not up for argument. Just think of what happened to you! The day after tomorrow, you have to leave with the rest of the women. I am really sorry. –  
I felt perished. My hand shook as I opened the door and headed to my own dormitory. The other girl was sleeping already but I couldn’t. I laid in bed for a while. Then I got up, put some clothes on and went outside. I was restless. Maybe I will just walk until some bastards find and kill me on the savannah. I don’t care. I found my purpose, but now it is taken away from me. This is my place in life now, and…. and it is no more. Despite all the suffering here, it felt just right to be here.  
As I stepped outside I saw Adam sitting on the hospital steps smoking. I didn’t want to go to him, as I felt resentful due to our last short conversation, but he was looking at me. He has a damn magnet in his eyes. So I stepped closer. He offered me a cigarette. I accepted. He lit it for me, and offering a place next to him on the steps. We sat there smoking for a while in silent.  
\- I’m sorry that you have to go – he said finally – I will miss you. –  
\- I… I don’t want to leave. This is where I belong – I answered, and felt that tears start to suffocate me.  
\- I know –  
Again siting in the silent, smoking.  
\- But this is the right thing to do… for you – he added.  
I couldn’t answer. I wanted to shout ‘fuck you’ to him and to Father William, and everyone who insisted on me leaving. But instead I started crying, then mumbled:  
\- I cannot leave now, I simply cannot leave all this behind now, that all helping hands are needed – he pulled me close to him. I hated him, but also wanted to feel the warmth of his body on my face. He hugged me tightly. I felt he kissed my head caressing my hair.  
\- I will miss you – he said quietly. I tried to pull him even closer. I wanted to feel every inch of his body. I felt his heart beating. It was nice and calming. Why cannot we stay like this forever?  
After sitting like this for a little, I looked up at him. He was staring at me with sadness in his eyes. He moved a bit forward then stopped. Yes, I wanted that kiss, but did not dare to move. I sensed that energy between us, but neither of us did move. After a few seconds, he put his hand on my head and pulled me to his chest. The moment passed, and will never return.  
I was sad.


	5. Don’t tell me what to do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So a slight detour from the Camp, where Jo hopes to find support somewhere else. But at what price?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not much Adam in this one, but I felt this event is needed in the story.  
> Hope you like it

I couldn’t sleep and I felt numb in the morning. Constantly fighting with my tears, but concentrated on my job. It seemed that Adam avoided me for some reason, though I caught him looking at me, but in the moment I looked back he turned away. Why the neglect? The day was intense, most of our patients were in serious conditions and we used the last pieces of our resources. I silently said goodbye to all the children I grew to be friends with in the past. I was totally exhausted by the evening. At the time when we used to have dinner (due to food shortage we didn’t have it anymore) we gathered together for a last talk and farewell. The doctors and the assistants that stayed expressed their regret. We exchanged hugs with everyone. Adam was not there. He never was present in the evenings anyways.  
After some time, I decided it is time for our tea-routine. I excused myself, grabbed the tea (now much more light in colour and taste) and headed to our meeting place. He wasn’t there. Instead I found a piece of paper in a mug left there. It said:  
“Sorry Jo, I a suck at saying goodbye. I hope you will return home safe, and will have a good life. You will always have a special place in my heart. And who knows, maybe we meet sometimes. Hugs: Adam”  
I was acrimonious. I also suck at goodbyes but I had to have my last hug from the big man. I rushed to his room immediately entering after knocking, but he wasn’t there. The fucking bastard is hiding from me. Why? Why cannot he say farewell in person. Of course I couldn’t sleep that night either. I slowly packed my stuff, had a small chat with Yvette, then…. Somehow the night passed.  
At dawn we went out from our hut, our home for months now. I got used to all the harsh conditions, and now it seemed impossible to return to civilisation. This is just not happening. But it did. We packed the van, that transported us to the capital, waved goodbye to the people (doctors and some patients) standing outside. Adam was nowhere to be seen. With a heavy heart I sat in the van, and we moved.  
During the long hours of traveling, no one could really speak, and no one really needed it. The driver worried, that we might be attacked, but somehow we arrived safely in the capital late afternoon. We arrived at the same hostel, my journey started from. We were told, that there is a flight, which will most probably operate (nothing was certain at this time, in this country), so we will go with that. For the night we should stay here. We entered the rooms, nice and neat compared to the hut, we used to live in. All of us had separate rooms. No travellers used it, as it was not safe to come here anymore.  
I took a shower, a nice and long one, halfway the hot water ran out, but it was okay. I returned to my room, but could not rest. This is just not right. Something should be done. I waited until everyone seemed to be asleep. Then I packed all my stuff again, sneaked out from the building, and headed to the streets. Somehow I should get back, but not empty handed. Those guys need medicine and bandage. I had some money on my bank account. If I can get my hands on it, maybe I could buy some. I entered a bar, and with the little cash I had since I arrived I ordered a coke. I was desperate for a cigarette. I looked around to see what kind of people are here. It was most definitely not a bar for locals by accident, a lot of white well-dressed guys were here chatting and smoking.  
It did not take long for one of them to approach me. He asked if I want a cigarette. Sure I wanted, I needed one. Then we began to talk, or better say, he began to ask me questions, after introducing himself. His introduced himself as Hux, a tall red-head guy, with a quite likeable face, except, he smooted his otherwise nice red hair back on his head. He could have looked better by not doing anything with his hair. He was French, doing business here, but it is not going very well now. When I asked what business it is, he said they sell medical equipment and medicine. What a damn coincidence, I have to become friends with this man. As we talked, I told him my story, and about the Camp, expressing my desperate need for medical supplies. I explained him what drugs and other things the Camp is short of. He just grinned while I was talking.  
\- You know – he said – we could have some good business here – he spoke smoothly, and he continued with that awkward grin.  
\- How? – I asked – I have some money, but unsure how to get it from my Hungarian bank account here –  
\- Oh well, that makes things a bit more difficult. But we will figure out something okay? Just let’s have a good evening now, and we talk about this in the morning. – I agreed as I had no better idea. I needed this man to like and help me.  
We spent big part of the night drinking, smoking and even dancing. I tried my best to enjoy myself, and impress the Frenchie. He wasn’t a real gentleman so to say, as he was kissing my face and neck while dancing, and also did not hesitate to caress my back and bum. I felt ill about this, but all I was thinking about is the good business we might have, then I can get the medicines.  
Towards the end of the night, he said we should talk private. We draw back to a silent corner of the bar sat down to a table. He ordered 2 drinks and offered a cigarette. For a moment I was thinking about Adam, and the silent evenings we have spent on the hospital steps smoking and chatting. I really started to miss his presence, and for some reason I started to feel uncomfortable.  
\- Okay here is my offer to you because I like you, you seem to be fun. These medicines are banned now here not because they are bad or anything, but because the party that is now ruling here hate the French, and don’t want to have business with us. I cannot transport them back home, and I cannot sell them, they are in a storage facility. It wasn't expropriatd till now, and undertandably, I want to make something out of it. I can offer these to you and we can agree in the price. – again that awkward grim. However, I was determined to get the best out of the situation. After sipping from my drink and smoking I asked:  
\- So what would be the price? As I said I have some money but…. – he interrupted me:  
\- No money involved mon chéri – he smiled, but I felt uneasy, as he reached out and held my hand – All I ask from you is to spend a couple of days with me. We will have fun, and at the end you will have shitloads of medicine to take to your hospital – I didn’t understand, and my facial expression gave me away immediately  
\- You see – he continued – I didn’t have a good fuck in the good couple of months with a white woman. Black ladies are just not my taste. And they can carry any kind of disease you know – I felt disgusted. How can he say that? and how…. ? Oh fuck for some seconds I didn’t really know what to say.  
\- I have to see the stuff first – I said hesitantly, but trying to play smart. I was really cautious. What if there is no medicine? What if he is not giving it to me? What if… ?  
\- Sure mon chéri, I can drive you there now. You examine it, and if it is fine with you, you agree, d’accord?  
I nodded, still unsure. But what else I could do? I ran away from my return to home, I was desperate to find a solution, and I was more or less unable to get any money.  
After finishing our drinks, we headed to his car, and he drove us to a sort of storage facility. After he switched on the lights I could see big cardboard boxes labelled with names and dates. I opened some of them, they contained pills, bandages, even syringes, and injections. It was a fucking dream.  
\- How can I be sure I will get all these, after….. fulfilling my part of the deal. –  
\- Well chéri you have to trust me – Damn you, fucking French snake.  
\- I also need a vehicle to transport these, once we are finished. – I felt disgusted about myself, but then thought about how Adam’s face will light up, once he sees what I got for them. He does not have to know how I got them. – and a weapon to protect myself on my way home –  
He smiled again, the damn bastard. He came close to me, gently grabbed the back of my neck and kissed my lips violently, and with much more saliva than I would enjoy. I was not there to enjoy anyways; this is just business. I slightly remembered that moment we almost kissed with Adam. I imagined how that would have been, gentle, soft, not as forthputting as this. I wanted to spit.  
\- Anything you want. I ask for 2 days. And you will do whatever I want. Then in the evening the day after tomorrow, you will get all this, a van full with petrol, and a handgun. Is it okay, like this? – No it is definitely not okay, but what could I do? I didn’t trust him, not one bit. Still I nodded. He laughed, and suggested we should go to his apartment, which is not far from here.  
It wasn’t indeed. Some minutes driving, and we arrived. He lived in luxury, having a bath, bar a huge bed, an enormous TV set, and everything. Medicine seems to be not a bad business. He suggested I should take a shower, then he joins me, with some drinks. I was cautious that he may drug me, but…. again, I had to go with it.  
He stepped in the shower when I was almost finished. He immediately started to touch me all over, of course focusing on my ergogenic zones. I felt slightly sick, but I knew, that I have to do this. So I also touched him, after a little time gently stroking his cock, which was already hard.  
The beginning was really gentle, however after a while he grabbed me by my throat, dragging me out from the shower, throwing me on the sofa. First he got me from the back, grabbing and pulling my hair, while fucking doggy style. He was almost as violent as the soldier. He really enjoyed having rough sex, using me as a damn sex-doll. I couldn’t say no to anything. In that 2 days, he used my body tens of times, sometimes more gentle but more like an animal. I had to be present in these actions, as he required me to respond. However, when he did not need me, I escaped into my mind thinking about Adam. How is he now, is he still alive? But the pulsing question always returned: why didn’t he come to say goodbye? I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I felt so numb at the end of the first day. There was everything; choking, ball gag, slapping, all kinds of rough sex, even anal (and it did hurt like hell), but at other encounters he was surprisingly gentle and kind. He was quite free with drugs. Hux expressed to me, that he does not want to drug me, without my consent (how nice), but he will consume some lines, so if I wish to join him, e would be delighted. What the hell - I thought and asked for a line. I could vomit in his damn face ... or in my own, for that matter. I wanted to leave, and end this.  
Towards the end of the second day, I felt really yeasty, as I began to fear, that he will betray our agreement. In the evening we were just lying in his king sized bed, he caressed my breasts playing with the nipples. I also touched him, just to make sure, he thinks I like this.  
\- You could be with me more if you want – he said – we really had a good time I think – then he kissed me. Sure you disgusting scum! All I want to do is get the fuck out of here.  
\- I really need to go back with the medicine you will give me – I answered.  
\- Okay, it is the deal- he said. – You know I really enjoyed these 2 days. I am glad you allowed everything I wanted. However; there is a final thing I want you to do for me. – Oh shit, what can that be? some super pervert game, or something? And yes, it was. He wanted to tie me up, and use a whip. He said he never did before, but is keen to try.  
The medicines, the medicines – I kept thinking to myself while he was doing the bondages on me. Then he started. One whip. I screamed. The next one. I was shouting of pain feeling my skin open up on my back, and blood running down. This is not his damn first time for sure. He stroke again and again, causing long red, bleeding stripes on my back and bum, even my legs. Then he turned me, and did some whipping to my stomach and breasts. I wanted to faint, this pain was too much. I cried, but didn’t dare to ask him to stop. Then, when he got enough of this game, he threw away the lash, and fucked me rough from the front. He partly got covered in my blood, and he seemed to enjoy it. Wat a psycho…. not better, than those savage paramilitary soldiers we got attached by. Maybe I should ask for some drugs now, to numb myself - I thought, but i chased the idea ways. Hopefully, soon I have to drive, and remember the route.  
Once he finished, he untied my restraints, and told me to shower, to clean my wounds. It did hurt as the water stung my fresh wounds really intensively. Once I got out, he offered some antiseptic, healing lotion to apply on my skin. How fucking nice is that? Also he handed over a box with a pill in it.  
\- To avoid pregnancy – he said grinning – that was not part of the deal. - I was confused. He physically hurts, me, tearing open wounds on my body, fucks the shit out of me.... then he is kind. At least his ginger hair was not licked back that stuid way. He appeared quite handsome. Maybe in other circumstances, I would find him attractive. But in the given circumstances, I would happily carve his eyes out.   
I dressed up, using some bandages on my larger wounds, and got myself ready. I was exhausted, I just wanted to lay down in a big hole in the ground, and ask some unknown person to throw dirt on me. I have no idea how I could maintain myself, trying to be as friendly as possible, although I wanted to punch this pig in the face. With a shovel or something.  
Sitting in the car was painful, but everything else was painful also. We drove back to the storage. There was a huge van waiting there, and a guy was already packing in the boxes. I checked some of them, to see, if the right things are inside them. All seemed okay.  
\- You see, I keep my word as you kept yours – he said kissing me wildly again. Can this be over now please? I would rather be on the road now, alone, without any sick bastard touching or even looking at me.  
\- Here – he said pulling out my hand and placing a handgun in my palm. – It is loaded, so you will be fine. You know I travel home tomorrow, and what is staying here will be burned or looted. So I made the best agreement I could – he winked at me – However I am sad, you don’t want to be with me hehe – Let me get out of here, for God’s sake.  
Once the van was full, he dragged me for a last smooch, and I could finally leave. All in all, everything went the best it could, but I felt like shit. Some streets later I had to stop to threw up. And I cried a lot while on the way home. Surprisingly I was not interrupted by anyone. Also I found other firearms and extra bullets under the seat. This guy was a generous little pervert.  
I started off before sunrise, and arrived back in the Camp late afternoon. When I arrived everyone was more than surprised to see me. I was also surprised. The place looked worse than when we left 3 days ago, devastated people on the yard, with wounds and other issues. The whole scene was so saddening.  
Adam appeared in the entrance of the hospital. He just stood there for minutes not really knowing how to process what happened. I wanted to run to him, and hug his beautiful huge body, but I couldn’t really run, my skin aching all over my body, and I was not sure what he was thinking. Maybe he wasn’t sure of it either.  
The doctors and staff were so happy when they unloaded the van. Dr Mike asked me what happened, where is this stuff from. I just said I met good people. Soon I felt I will faint, and I entered the hut I left not so long ago. I collapsed on my bed, and lost it all.  
When I regained consciousness, I saw Adam siting at my bedside. His face was serious holding his deep brown gaze at me. I looked back at him not really knowing what to do or say, but despite all my mixed feelings and thoughts I was happy to look in his deep wells.


	6. Fresh wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a quite tranquil chapter where Jo faces Adam after returnig back to the Camp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this part, as I really enjoyed writting it. 
> 
> The next one is planned to be full of actions :)

Fresh wounds

Waking up, from not sure how much sleep or rather passing out was dolorous. I thought I could get used to the pain, as it seems it will never really leave me. In the past days I always hurt somewhere. Now, as my skin was damaged by the whipping, every movement was aching and stinging. As I tried to turn I felt my fresh but mostly shallow wounds tear up, and I thought that surely some of them are bleeding again.  
Lying on the bed, the first thing I saw was Adam, sitting next to me. He looked at me strictly and I didn’t know what to say. After adjusting his jaw, he said:  
\- Do you need any medical assistance? –  
\- I’m fine – I replied, but it wasn’t really convincing, as my facial expression gave away my pain.  
\- I can see you are bleeding. Can you stand up, to come to the examination room? – he asked cold and strict. I was confused. I wanted to hug him, smell his skin and hair again. But now, he is so distant with me.  
\- I’m fine – I replied again, I don’t know why. I laid back in my bed, and couldn’t help but let out a small groan, as my wounds were aching again.  
\- I see – he said, and left the room. I was alone. I heard the others from outside, talks, sometimes yells probably from our patients, but it felt good that at least the doctors have something to work with. For a while. What happens if they use the resources again? We should probably loot the storage unit, if it is still there. But that is a problem for another day. I fell back asleep.  
When I woke up again it was dark. For a few seconds I had no idea where I am, then I realised I’m in my old hut in the Camp. I tried to sit up, it did hurt like hell, but I managed, then stood up from the bed and slowly walked outside. It was dark, no people now in the yard. Only one. Adam on the steps, smoking. I looked at him for a while, and I guessed he did the same, but couldn’t tell, it was too dark. I moved towards him slowly as every step hurt. When I arrived to the steps I looked up at him, with a questioning facial expression. I had many questions and they all manifested somehow in my gestures. He looked back at me, but I could not read his face. I just wanted to kiss and slap him at the same time. Then I decided to approach him, what can I loose. Maybe he hates me for unknown reason, or maybe he is just a jerk. Or confused. Or I am confused. Anyways I cannot know if I don’t try to speak with him.  
I sat next to him on the stairs but not too close. He offered me a cigarette. The memory popped in for a moment of that other cigarette in the bar, followed by many others, together with the pain and humiliation. And the medicines. I accepted.  
Again we sat there for a while only blowing smoke. Though I was confused it was nice to be at his side. Our bodies did not touch each other, but I felt his warmth, the energy inside him. And I was fascinated about that. Finally, he broke the silence:  
\- I should check your wounds. Your shirt is patched with blood. And I see it is causing you distress – he said and I noticed he is looking at me worrying. I nodded. We will do that. But for now, we needed to talk. But I couldn’t start it. Suddenly the shame and sickness came back, and I couldn’t look at him. I realized, what I have done.  
He looked at me clenching his jaw.  
-Want to tell me what happened? – he asked. I wanted to but I couldn’t. How can you say it nicely that you’ve prostituted yourself for medicines? Because actually, that’s what happened.  
\- Tell me what happened in those days I wasn’t here first…. please – I asked. He told me. He told me that the next morning some men with guns ran into the Camp, and they fired mindlessly, killing some patients, a volunteer, two of the staff members, and Father William. Then they took away some of the girls and younger women. They tried to hold them back but couldn’t. Almost everyone got wounded. They ran out of bandages completely. They were devastated, not sure how to continue, but they just couldn’t send the patients away.  
\- They would have taken you, if you had been here – he added. He looked at me his eyes piercing mine. I was touched by his concern. I was speechless. I just couldn’t react to what he told me, the slaughter of Father William, and the others. I felt tears wrecking my throat again. We smoke another cigarette. I knew it was my time to confess, but I just couldn’t get myself to start. Adam was patient. The sound of his breathing was so calming, and I didn’t want to kill these tranquil minutes.  
\- Let me check your wounds – he said quietly after a while. I nodded again. We got up and went to the examination room. As power was cut off (the generator was destroyed), Adam lit some candles to see me. I took off my shirt, slowly as it meant that my wounds were once again moved. I couldn’t help but hissed at some point. He stepped closer to help me. This felt awkward and good at the same time. First he checked my back, taking down the bandages I had put on, and were somewhat soaked with blood. I tried not to make any sound when he did so.  
\- These wounds are clean, and not so deep, so I just wash them a bit with antiseptic liquid, then put bandage on some of them again. This will heal nicely – he said, and being close to me I felt his breath on my skin. Nice and warm. He worked quickly, then asked me to turn around. As my bra was also off, I stood there bare breast I was abashed. The wounds her were also shallow, so the same procedure was applied.  
\- Anywhere else? - He asked. I nodded and pulled of my trousers. I realised I was standing there almost naked, having only my underwear on. I think I blushed, but in the dim light it might not get noticed. He knelled in front of me to check the wounds there. But those were okay, not serious at all.  
I felt ashamed. Was not sure how to tell him about the encounters I was participating in for two days, as they might have caused me some damage, but I was just so embarrassed. He stood up in front of me, looking at my face, and I realised he knew. He knew what happened. A woman does not simply gets just whipped. He quickly checked if everything was okay down there. Luckily it was. He handed me back my clothes, and I dressed up. He helped.  
\- I used my body, to get the medicine – I spitted out after a while as I couldn’t bear the silence. – I met this guy in a bar, after running away from the hostel, he had a huge stock of medicine, and …. and asked me to be with him for two days, so I could get them. With the van and a weapons. He did all sorts of sexual things with me and I allowed him to, and now I am ashamed and broken – I looked at him, being afraid of what he might say or think of me now. That I am stupid? A prostitute? Or just simly irresponsble? And all of that would be true. But he just touched my face, gently stroking it, wiping away some tears.  
\- Thank you – he whispered. I was relieved. I felt the only person, whose opinion counts is Adam. I stepped closer, and he really gently hugged me, being cautious of my quite fresh wounds. 

I was home.


	7. Bullets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, the Camp is under a short attack.
> 
> In the next one, our heroes will have to make a few serious decissions.
> 
>  
> 
> ah yeah, there is a kiss in this one, and some dead people

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a small chapter, to move things forward.  
> All comments, suggestion, criticism are welcomed.

Life was never the same in the Camp though with the new medicines it was somewhat easier for a little time. Tension was in the air, and it made it hard to breathe, or even think. However the professional staff was really dedicated, to continue their work on the highest level possible. All of us were occupied, with little amount of sleep, but blissfully, everyone was responsible enough to know when they need a rest instead of working really exhausted, risking any mistakes.   
Fear was in our hearts every day, that a group of soldiers, or looters, or anyone with weapons, may come to attack the Camp and loot the little we still had to work with. Luckily, the next few days were tranquil, but still, there was a lot of misery inside the facility. Children died almost every day, due to injuries, we could not wield. But at least no one caused any trouble from outside, only a few wounded people came.  
But it did not last for long.  
One night, noise could be heard from outside the gates, people shouting, and some guns were also fired, we could also see fire, possibly they used some torches, or whatever. We had quite a plan, to defend the Camp, and the people inside, so we started, to take everyone inside the hospital building. It had a rear exit, not so obvious, so we planned, that if all is lost, we could still try to get the people out there. Not a really god plan, but still… we didn’t have any better.  
With the extra weapons we found under the seats of the van that French guy, Hux gave to me, I felt more confident, protecting this somewhat sacred place. Though my heart throbbed in my throat, and despite of the cold breeze, I was sweating. The stronger staff members, including Adam escorted the patients in the building, while 3 or 4 of us approached the gate slowly. The gate was made of a big iros sheet with only a few holes in it, so we couldn’t really get hurt if we stay inside. I had to be close, as my Swahili language skills were needed. I looked back to see Adam helping 2 young, probably teenage girls, who I think only came yesterday up the stairs. Those stairs which I loved dearly, remembering all the long chats we had there. Will there be any occasion in the future for us to enjoy each other’s company? – I lamented for a second, the stepped closer to the gate. I felt I was shaking. Dr Stanley stood next to me, with Fynn, a local assistant, a little bit in front of us. But in less than a minute Adam was just next to me, standing really close, our arm almost touched. The people outside were shouting.  
\- Hebu tuingie na bastards! – I transalted: they demand us to let them in, and not in a nice way. Dr Stanley leaned close and told me to ask them what they want. I sensed Adam is looking at me. I looked back, just to see him worrying then turning his face back to the gate, where the noise grew louder.  
\- Unataka nini? – I shouted, trying to be louder than the noise  
\- Tunahitaji kila kitu unacho – straight answer, they want everything. I looked at the men standing around me, just to notice, they formed a circle around me, all facing the iron sheet. I think this was an involuntary thing, it just happened. But I felt safe, also because almost all of them had guns in their hand.  
\- Nenda! tuna silaha! – I shouted, asking them to leave, as we have some guns, to protect ourselves.   
Those outside didn’t waste more time for small talk, they started to smash the gate. All of our men held their guns in position, stepping a few steps backwards. I felt Adam grabbing my arm pulling me behind him. It was nice to feel his warm body close to mine, however, this time it was nothing sensual. I just felt safe and was grateful, he intended to protect me. I felt my body was shaking. Adam looked back at me, still holding my hand, but didn’t say anything. We just stared at each other for a short moment. After a few bolts, the men from outside managed to hit a hole on the gate and begin to enter the yard. I was so scared, and Adam had to release my hand, so he could use the gun he had.   
Loads of bullets were fired I think most of them hit flesh, as the next thing I was hearing was screaming and shouting. Adam was pushing me backwards with his body, while aiming and shooting the intruders. I couldn’t see who got shot or wounded, as his enormous back blocked the scene. But I saw our people slowly drew of step by step.   
After a few dreadful minutes, I realized, that the guns are silent, and I am standing at the bottom of the stairs, drawing myself close to Adam. All I could hear were painful groans and cries. I peeked from behind his back, to see what actually happened. To my surprise all the intruders were on the ground, either dead already or wounded. They cannot hurt us. But then I saw in the weak light, the moon gave us, that Fynn is also down, probably heavily wounded. I bolted up the stairs to get some bandage. When I got back Adam was knelling next to him, and grabbed the pack of gauze from my hand without a word, and started to apply it on his wounds. There were some other casualties from our side, so we attended them as well.  
And then we stood there not really knowing what to do with our attackers. Some of them were dead already, but the rest had wounds on their bodies. I was surprised that the Camp staff could shoot so well.   
\- I still have some bullets – Adam said quietly. I looked at him amazedly. I felt he is really sad, his eyes turned dark, and at that moment he seemed to be really old.   
I shook my head, I didn’t want him to do it. This would have been such an emotional burden, I was not sure how he would handle it.  
\- Get inside, take the others with you. – he said, with demand in his voice. I realized, there is no room for argument here. He made this decision. We will deal with the consequences later.   
All of us went in the hospital building, assisting the wounded. Fynn was carried in on a stretcher, but he was in a really bad shape. Only Adam remained in the yard with the gun in his hand, and the wounded men. Once we were in, I tried to occupy myself with the casualties, trying to block out the fact, that Adam is actually becoming a murderer now. But I couldn’t block the sound of the gun, and in my mind’s eye I could see his huge figure slowly walking amongst the bodies on the ground, looking them in the eye, and executing them one by one. It was spine chilling, even to think of it what he feels now. After he finished with the last one, he did not come in. I waited a bit, hoping that he will show up in the door, but he didn’t. After a while I couldn’t hold myself back, I went out to see him sitting on the stairs, smoking. I stood there transfixed, as he slowly turned his head towards me. His eyes were still dark, his jaw moving back and forth, and I could see his hands and lips shaking. He was not well. I approached him tardily, as he did not take his eyes off me, and his face changed from this wild, but shaking state, to the gaze of an abandoned dog, lost in this world.   
I sat next to him, and accepted the cigarette he offered me with his hand still shaking. I was always amazed, that despite all hardship, he still had some cigarettes to share. He tried to lit the cigarette for me, but his hand didn’t obey him, so I had to hold his hand holding the lighter to stop it from shuddering.   
\- I killed wounded people – he said bitterly after a while. What can you answer to that.  
\- I know – responded finally – and it is okay – I added  
He looked at me puzzled. Not sure what did he think my answer will be. But in seconds he seemed to ease up a bit, still somewhat shaking. Drived by a sudden idea I hugged him close. It was cosey to caress his raven hair again, sensing his breath finally slowing down. He hugged me back, and we were as attached as we could be at that moment.  
Then we slightly parted to be face to face, but I didn’t stop touching his hair. I think it comforted both of us. He pulled me even closer, slowly descending his face close to mine. Then I could feel his lips, dry but still soft gently touching mine. He laid a careful kiss on my lips and I responded with the same feather touch kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment, i am not even sure someone in enjoying this whatever :D


	8. Decisions to make

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well I think the chapter title talks for itself
> 
> I am planning to start the gore from the next chapter
> 
> eheh

That night, none of us could sleep, despite of being exhausted from all the work, and the incident this evening. When all the wounds were more or less properly attended, the staff just sat around in one of the rooms. For a time, everyone was silent, probably deeply buried in their thoughts.  
Adam found place in a corner. He was still a bit trembling, but managed to pull himself together and come in the building to meet the others. No one had a bad comment for him, actually no comment at all, just some shoulder patting, and sad gazes.  
\- We cannot stay here… - Dr Stanley broke the silence – and nor can our patients. –  
His statement was followed by nods, and agreeing murmur. I could see a newborn curiosity in the eyes looking at dr. Stanley and each other. But when I looked at Adam, he was just sitting in the corner on the floor, face down, looking at the floor.  
\- How would we transport everyone and everything away from here? – a staff member asked. – There is only one vehicle we can use. – Again, nodding, but now with concern. How we can do that.  
\- Also there are patients, who cannot be transported at the moment – someone added.  
Again we sat in relative silence for a while. I think most people tried to figure out a solution for this situation. Agreeably, we cannot stay. Sooner or later, we will not be able to care for our patients, and we will run out of bullets. Then this place could become a slaughterhouse.  
\- How many patients we have, who can be transported? – the first staff member asked. Every eye fixated on the doctors, including Adam, as they were the experts in this field.  
\- Let me count – dr. Stanley started hesitantly, rubbing his face, humming. We could see on his face, that he is checking the list and state of patients, as he knew every one of them. Finally he looked up, first at his colleagues, then to the rest of us.  
\- I think there should be 25 person from the ward, that we could easily take. Then there is 8 of us. I am unsure about the state of 6-8 other patients, mostly with wounds. But there are those 10 people, or something, whom would certainly die on the way. And this is just too many to transport in that van. – he was daunted. I think the rest of us were too.  
\- I think…. – I started hesitantly – the children and the young ones should be taken away definitely. How many are those? like 20? – I looked around in the dim light to see what the others think. Of course they nodded, this is also a possible idea. Adam was peeking from behind his hanging hair.  
\- 20 is still too much – dr. Stanley replied – and besides, what will happen to those who stay? – Valid question I know. However the answer was clear.  
\- A few of us could stay with them – we heard Adam’s voice. Low somewhat shaking, but confident. – we stay with them, do the best we can….. Then we will see – he finished the sentence, with everyone’s thought.  
I looked at him straight. I understood, that in this scenario, he is the doctor who stays behind. And I hope he knew, that if he stays, I do too. He shook his head at me, but I was not sure, if that still was because of his recent shock or not sharing my thought.  
Everyone took a minute to search for courage deep in their heart to stay. However volunteering to travel across half of the country with a van full of sick people and desirable medicines was not as safe as it sounded in the first place.  
\- It is a death note either way – dr. Stanley concluded, and he was right.  
I didn’t want to stay because I was brave as fuck, I wanted because I was sure Adam will bell the cat in this. I looked at him. He was withdrawn deeply in his thoughts, again looking at the floor. I could see his jaw moving in its familiar way. No one dared to look at one another.  
\- I stay – Adam spitted out finally. Then he looked up slightly, still hiding half of his pale face behind that raven hair. I think the others were appalled and relieved at the same time.  
\- I stay with you dr. Ky – said one of the general staff members, a local black guy, who respected doctors so much, he refused to use their first names. – you will need help – he added quietly. Another staff member volunteered in seconds. They were from villages around, and they didn’t want to leave their place of birth.  
\- Me too – I said, but didn’t have the courage to look up. I had no idea what I was afraid of, but I tried to avoid looking in the eyes of the others.  
\- Jo, you should come with us. There is no place for you here – dr. Stanley started to talk me down.  
\- It is final …. – I said this time looking straight in his face – I am staying – he opened his mouth again for response, but then he just shook his head. But Adam stood up, and left the room swiftly. I will deal with that later.  
Silence occupied the room again. Then dr. Stanley nodded to almost everyone individually, and said while wringing his hand:  
\- Let’s try to get some rest now. In the morning we will select the patients we can take with us, and distribute the medicine. –  
The people in the room got up one by one and left. Dr. Stanley remained there last, and myself sitting on the floor. I was too overwhelmed to move. He came closer to me and sat on the floor.  
\- Jo, I am really concerned. You know what it means to stay here? – I nodded. Now I wanted to get out of the room. I appreciated, that he worried about me, however, I made up my mind already. Dr. Stanley sighed, patted my shoulder and left the room shaking his head in disbelief.  
I was unsure what to do now, but I felt terribly exhausted. I wanted to look for Adam, but he bolted out from the room, so I concluded, he does not want anyone’s company. But I needed his. I couldn’t help but sentimentally smiled remembering that soft and careful kiss we exchanged not so long ago. So I decided to finally lift my ass up and look for him.  
He was not on the steps as I expected. I was disappointed, as apart from seeing him, I was also dying for a cigarette. I slowly walked around the building, and the surrounding huts, which we mor or less abandoned, as almost everyone slept in the main building due to safety. He was nowhere to be seen. I approached the broken gate, and felt the urge to peek out. And there he was just outside the gate, back rested against the stone fence. Smoking. I tried to appear not so gloomy.  
\- Can I ask for a cigarette? – also tried to smile  
Without a word Adam pulled out the packet and offered me one. The lighter was in there too.  
\- You should leave – he said after a few minutes  
\- We have been through this once – I replied with more frustration in my voice then I intended. – I am staying –  
\- Don’t be stupid… this might as well become our grave soon – he looked at me, and in the moonlight I could see his eyes looked at me with anger.  
\- I know – I was not in the mood of arguing. I just wanted to enjoy this bloody cigarette.  
\- Look – he started now turning to me stepping closer. I could feel his scent through the smoke.  
\- If this is because of that kiss, I am sorry I was confused, and got weak for a moment. I regret it, as it might give you ideas … - I had enough  
\- Would you shut up? – I interrupted him, and now I allowed my frustration to represent itself.  
\- I am not a teenage girl, I hope you know that – I looked back at him, he could see the fury on my face. – I stay because I decided to. I want to help – nice lie. Well it is half true. Also I wanted to stay because of him, to be at his side, and support him. That kiss was somewhat insignificant in this matter.  
He clenched his jaw again in fret.  
\- I …. I just don’t want to see you dying – he popped out finally, kicking the dirt on the ground. But it was too late for me, my cynical self was on stage now.  
\- Then you should die first – I spitted out, then turned back, and entered the Camp through the hole on the gate. I rushed through the yard, both being angry with him and myself. Why did I have to be so rude? I guessed his intentions were good, and I just acted as a prick. 

Anyways soon it is tomorrow, and everything will change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to give your oppinion
> 
> thankie


	9. Spirited away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even harder times start from now on  
> If someone is not comfortable with (poor - due to my English) depiction of sexual violence, this might be the last chapter, not so disturbing

9\. spirited away

That night I couldn’t really sleep. Just lying on the mattress looking on the ceiling with heavy eyelids. But my thoughts drove me away from dreamland. First random and confusing thoughts. When was the last time I saw my face in a mirror? Why is that even remotely important?   
Anyways I started to examine my body in the poor light. The weight loss due to poor nutrition was visible by now, on my arms the skin begun to hang slightly. I touched my face, I could feel my cheekbones more than even before. My breasts shrunk a bit. Then I got irritated by my own vanity. This is not at all important – I shouted to myself within my skull. Just fuckin’ stop it and rest.   
But I couldn’t.   
What was this last episode with Adam? Does he really think I am just a simpleton falling for his looks, and somewhat mysterious character? Okay, I did a little bit. But what I felt was compassion, and the urge to stay here, he is about to make a huge sacrifice, being left behind, and I wanted to support him.  
Oh really? – I asked myself almost loudly. I was totally confused and infuriated. I just couldn’t concentrate. I felt like a good amount of crying would ease my inner tension, but tears refrained to flow on my face. Just fuck this whole thing. I felt impetuous. But for what exactly? Maybe I felt awkward because of what he thinks of me? What an idiot! Soft and kind kiss to and fro does not have any weight in my decision. Stupid kiss, his stupid lips, his stupid….   
I should calm down, as I cannot think things like this of him. But I don’t know what to think.   
And what does that matter anyway? The time and situation is least of all adequate to lament on these relationship issues. Soon we possibly die…. maybe this is what is stressing me?   
Why did I have to say that to him? Even if he had a slight respect for me, surely by now it was all dismissed because I wanted to have my brassie comeback.  
I sat up on the mattress. How I desperately needed a drink… like now. Something with strong alcohol. And a cigarette to go with it. When did I last have a proper coffee by the way? Well this is the least important question on this globe right now. I leaned back to the wall slowly and gently banging my head to it. What the fuck I am in right now? How did things end up here? I slowly recalled my memories of my arrival and stay here. The work we did. All the suffering but also the sparkles of happiness. All the wounded and sick people, the doctors, the volunteers. Laura…. The day I was raped. Adam’s compassionate behaviour. The French guy. My disgust. The medicines. All the killings. His kiss…. Him in all of this. Professional, calm and reserved. The long conversations we had on the steps.  
Yes, I am staying for all of it. I would be defeated if I would leave now.  
Finally, silence in my mind. And I noticed that actually now I am crying. I just listened to my own heartbeat for a while.  
Then a knock on the door interrupted my slow fading into lib. Almost synchronized with my heartbeat.  
\- Jo? – I heard the whispering from the other side. It was him. He couldn’t sleep either. Or maybe he was on night watch for the patients. I sighed.  
\- Yes? –   
\- Would you like to come out…. you know…. the steps – I slightly smiled.   
So it was important for him after all. I gave myself a moment to enjoy this feeling, then got up and opened the door. There he was. His tall, muscular figure, one would like to hold close to feel secure. He had a bittersweet smile on his face. We walked outside without a word, and sat, where we usually do. Somehow we always found the same spot to occupy.   
This is peace – I thought, and in all the turmoil we had and will have in the future I felt quiescence. These moments perfected by his cigarettes. For a second I became curious again, how on earth he gets them. But that didn’t matter really. I guess without any cigarette, this tranquillity would still be ours. For long minutes I did not feel the urge to speak. Whatever I said, whatever he said before were not important now. The presence was important. This togetherness, even without touching each other. Just to know both of us are there. And will be.  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o  
I woke up on my mattress. It was only the beginning of sunrise, which is always spectacular in rural Africa. The other were already up, and active. When I entered the ward all doctors (well we only had 4 at that time) seemed to be examining the patients. Checking up, who is fit enough to be scrambled into the van. The others were sorting the medicine, and other storage. I joined the group busy with the medicines. After all I gained them in the first place.  
After long hours of managing all the stuff and people, almost all selections were made. 30 of the patients were determined to be in a good enough shape for transportation. They can sit long hours squeezed together that is. Then we divided the guns and bullets remained from last evening’s fight. Both the leaving and staying party needed weapons.   
The dreaded moment of departure got inevitably close. Those leaving could only take the clothes they were actually wearing. The van was more than full. It was time.  
Time to say farewell …. most probably forever. We exchanged hugs, eyes filled with tears, knowing this is the last time we see each other. A bunch of great personalities, with goodwill, and now, this wonder, the Camp, sanctuary for the weak and wounded will now shrink to mere survival. However we didn’t have high hopes for lasting long.   
But we were determined, we will do our best to hang on. As a goodbye Dr Stanley said:  
\- If we reach the capital, we will do everything to send a rescue group to collect those who have to stay. – Everyone was smiling bitterly, as the possibility of them reaching the capital was…. well not high.  
The engine rumbled into motion, and rolled out through the wrecked gate. Maybe we should repair that. We stood there listening to the sound of the van fading in the distance, till it was silence, only the crickets (or whatevers) made some noise in the plain fields.  
Adam was standing not far behind me, gazing in the distance. When I looked back at him, he nodded reassuringly. Yes, we had work to do. I turned and slowly walked back to the hospital. we still had patients, who need our attention.  
I was in charge of cooking, with the poor amount and composition of food we had. Some vegetables, rice and heaps of corn starch. After counting, how many we are still here, I began to make the one--per-day meal. I was busy the whole forenoon, and managed to cook…. well something, that can fill up the stomach. If only we had spices….  
Before we ate, we had to feed the patients. Some of them were capable to eat on their own, but more than half of them needed our assistance. So a good part of the day was taken away by the 4 of us feeding these people. I could see gratitude in their eyes, at least there is something they could eat. After finished, the 4 of us sat down, and granted ourselves a little time together, to consume the little amount of corn mash that remained. I felt really thankful for the water was still clean.   
We ate in silence. I think all of us were overwhelmed by this new situation. Our minds had to be adjusted to the new circumstances.  
The rest of the day passed with general care taking and maintenance. I was not the only one, thinking about the gate. The 2 staff members tried to mend it with some metal sheets they found in the backyard.  
In the evening we sat down. Everyone felt the need to work on a strategy in case of a new attack. Though all of us knew that we are as vulnerable as a new born kitten. But we decided where we store the guns, to be at hand when needed, and who is rushing to which watch point, if danger approaches. It took a good hour to discuss everything. Then we dismissed ourselves.  
The boss was inevitably Adam, not because he wanted to, but he had the most respect from the rest of us. The conversation was as democratic as it could be. I didn’t speak much, strategy and tactics are not my field. But I also received a position in defending ourselves.   
Until the meeting ended I didn’t realize how exhausted I am. I could hardly see, where I am going, but my auto-plot mode led me outside again. I sat down on our spot.  
I woke up face down on the concrete step, being gently shaken by Adam. He also looked extremely tired, but gave a kind eye, when I looked at him.   
\- I guess, you still have a mattress to lay on – he said. I could only nod.   
He helped me up, supporting my dim body with his own. He escorted me to my room, and helped me find my place on the mattress, then wished sweet dreams and gently caressed my face.  
\- Good night sweet prince – I whispered as he turned to leave, but he immediately turned back, looking at me dumfounded.  
\- It is Shakespeare, sappy – I added seeing his confusion. For my surprise, he flashed a smile, then left the room closing the door behind him. Did I ever see him smile? – I was wondering, then just fell asleep.  
The next few days passed exactly the same. With one exception. On the 3rd day Fynn died. We buried him in a shallow grave as it was hard to dig in the hard African ground. The 2 staff members knew this from after the attack. They had to bury 13 men. Not because of sacred reasons, but we didn’t want their decomposing body to intoxicate the air. I felt death was hovering above the Camp, as the state of most of our patients was more than worrisome. Adam was really concerned, that despite having some good and strong antibiotics and other medicines, many of them gained infections. It would happen in a normal hospital as well, but still it was not a good sign.  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o  
Then on the 5th or 6th day it happened. Not long after sunset (which is also immensive in Africa) we heard engines roaring and men shouting. First from far, but they were definitely getting closer. After the instant and strong fear that occupied my heart, I headed to my point of defence. On the top of the fence, just next to a tree, so the branches could somewhat hide me. On my way I bumped into Adam, whom I didn’t see for most parts of the day, as he was extremely occupied, with the people inside the hospital. We gazed at each other for a second, I could see on him he is also afraid. He nodded to me, then continued his rush to his own watch out point. In my hurry a terrible thought ripped into my mind: maybe this is the last time I see him?...  
We agreed, that we only shoot if we hear a certain whistle from one of the staff members, who had the best overview of the surroundings. The group of people, possibly paramilitary soldiers quickly approached our facility, it was clear that they were heading for us. I felt my hand shaking, oh god, I will not be able to shoot like this. Calm the fuck down – this was my mantra, while gawking at the group getting closer. I looked around, if I can see Adam from my place, but he was well hidden behind some rocks. I felt alone.  
Heavy minutes passed till the group got close enough to be in the range of our firearms. Then I heard the whistle, so I started to shoot in the direction of the approaching men. Not sure how many I hit, or if I hit anyone at all, but some men in the front rows of the marching mass fell on their knees, or face down into the dirt. But this didn’t stop them. On the contrary, I could hear someone shouting orders, and then the men begun to run towards us, and reciprocated the fire, however, they must have been unsure, where we were, and how much of us.  
Despite our best efforts to chase them away, they reached the gate, and entered in no time. I was shooting like mad, knowing that there is no need to save bullets for the next attack. There will be no next attack. This is it, and this is final. I could spot Adam’s place, he moved from his original spot, also not holding back himself, and managed to take down quite a few of the attackers.   
But it was clear that we were losing this game, first they found the other staff member, then dragged Adam out of the bushes, then the guy on the highest watch point. Lastly they yanked me off the fence. The other 3 received a brutal amount of hitting and kicking, while I was violently dragged to a tall black guy, some sort of leader I supposed. I was crying not only because the physical pain I felt, my arms being twisted behind my back, but also because of fear and hearing the agony of the others being on the ground constantly being kicked. Adam and the 2 staff members tried to fight back, but it was all in vain. They tossed me on the ground in front of their leader. I received a kick in my stomach from his heavy booth, then he immediately grabbed my hair and pulled me to stand up. I let out a scream as I also felt he is tearing out some of my hair. By that time some soldiers stood around us, and some were busy binding the other 3. He looked me in the eye, then spitted in my face. It smelled from alcohol, and some disgusting food remains.   
\- oh bitch bluu nimesikia kuhusu – he chortled. Yes, it is me, the white girl with the blue hair. I guess I had the misfortune to meet some of his men before.   
\- We are going to have some fun now. And you are going to entertain me – he laughed, and the other soldiers laughed too.   
\- kuua wausi, lakini mkuki mzungu – he ordered his men to kill the 2 staff members, but spare Adam’s life.   
I started to shout and scream, as I perfectly understood what he said, but he grabbed my throat, making me ghasp for air. Adam most probably didn’t understand what is going on, until 2 soldiers stepped to our 2 beloved comrades, and executed them both with a bullet each. He tried to move in his bondage, but they tied him well, so he was just squirming in the dirt. He received a strong hit with the hilt of a gun, that almost knocked him unconscious.  
The big man dragged me in, after ordering his men to loot whatever they can, kill the men, and have fun with the women. He took me to a separate room, and the horror started. Despite of me fighting back, he got on top of me, turned me on my abdomen, and brutally forced his manhood in me. I screamed and shouted, cried out for Adam, whom I knew couldn’t come to save me, but I couldn’t help myself. There is not a shard of dignity left, when being assaulted. I just wanted it to end, the pain, the humiliation, it flooded me all over again. I heard screaming and gunfire from the ward, and behind my eyes I saw the soldiers mercilessly killing our patients, brutalising the women, and even the children  
This is too much, this is not happening. I didn’t hold back my cries, I wouldn’t have been able to anyways. I tried to kick him, but I received a couple of strong hits on my head. Maybe if he cracks open my skull this will end. He could do it whenever he wanted. I tried to push his cock out with contracting the muscles in my vagina. But in return he grabbed my neck again, and began to choke me. I just wanted to pass out.   
But it didn’t happen, not until he finished. I collapsed on the ground slightly feeling the dripping wetness between my legs. It was his cum. And my blood.   
2 men bought in Adam. He was barely conscious, his forehead hosted a huge, awfully bleeding wound, also his lower lip was bleeding for a huge ripped wound. His face was covered in his own blood. And maybe something else.  
The soldiers and the big man, being certain that we will not move, exited the room, to check what the others did in the meantime. For a few seconds I couldn’t move, just laid on the floor like a wet cloth. I tried to call him.  
\- Adam… Adam, are you here? – I asked him. He heard my voice and tried to look at me.   
I crawled closer with the little strength I had, fighting the pain in my body. I caressed his hair, now wet, with a foul scent, maybe someone urinated on him or something. But it was still him. Then I tried to untie his knots, while he tried to find a position, that makes this easier. I managed to tie one, so at least his arms could move a bit, but there were more. I tried to focus, but couldn’t stop sobbing, tears blurring my vision.  
But I was too slow. The soldiers returned, and both of us were beaten up terribly. My last memory before being knocked to unconsciousness was Adam’s voice shouting my name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still unsure, if anyone is reading this :O


	10. Cry little sister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, what can I say?
> 
> This episode contains some brutal acts against Adam and Jo, loads of torture, and stuff.  
> Not really explicit as I decided not to detail all the sexual abusement (it is not the goal of this fic), but still, it has some rough parts in it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this one was hard to write, as i wanted to show the desperate situation, without getting pornographic  
> ( dont get me wrong I dont mind pornographic writting, but now it is not my goal)
> 
> This chapter is basically a link from bad to worse, but still I hope you enjoy it... in a weird way

Woke up suddenly. It was cold and I was wet. A man was standing above me, with a now empty bucket in his hand. He threw the water on me. I was shivering both from the cold, and of abruptly becoming conscious. It took a good few moments to become fully aware of my own body and the circumstances.  
I was naked  
And terrified  
My limbs were tied  
My body was full of soreness  
The room was small and dark  
The smell was awful  
There were 3 men standing in the room  
And one lying on the floor. He was naked too. In another few moments I realized it was Adam, probably still unconscious. Involuntarily I tried to reach out for him, though he was a couple of meters away, but I got a kick in the stomach, signalling that our detainers are not pleased. The room wasn’t so small after all. I moaned.  
\- Don’t you move bitch – said the guy with the bucket, actually throwing it at my face. I tried to move away but couldn’t. My restraints were somehow fixed to the wall.  
One of the other men cowered down to Adam’s seemingly lifeless body and gave him a couple of huge slaps. He seemed to move a bit, but still didn’t open his eyes. I couldn’t help but looked as they tried to revive him with huge slaps and hits on his face. Finally, they gave up, and left the room constantly swearing. Then it was silence.  
\- Adam…? – I whispered, as I did not dare to talk louder. Nothing. I tried to move, but couldn’t get too far from the wall.  
\- Adam please…. – I craved – please come back… don’t leave me here… Adam … Adam please – I murmured constantly, meanwhile lamenting, that it might be better for him, not being here… anymore.  
But after painful minutes he finally moved his head, and gasped some air, as he almost suffocated in some unknown water. I sighed in relief.  
\- Adam…are you here? Do you hear me? – I asked whispering. He opened his eyes, hesitantly looked around, then fixated his weak gaze on me.  
\- I was never away – he whispered in a deep but at the same time weak voice. He seemed so vulnerable and hurt. We just looked at each other, not really knowing what to do.  
His body was also tied, making him almost unable to move, apart from his head. He looked around again, then rested his head on the dirty concrete floor. In the weak light I just watched his chest slightly moving up and down. I could see loads of bruises and wounds on his beautiful body. He was also naked. Actually this was the first time I saw him without any clothes. For moments I forgot about my own suffering body while I investigated every part of his. I felt nothing sexual, just admired the perfect portions of his huge body. His fine muscles, his joints, his curves as he was lying on his side. He appeared to me as a perfect human being in that moment. I just wanted to cry not sure why.  
We didn’t speak. Both of us were exhausted, with distressed bodies and minds. We just simply didn’t have any words on our tongues… my mind was empty and numb.  
But this relative peace did not last for long. Someone slam opened the door and entered the room. I realized it was the big man from the attack. He looked at me, with a grim, but then stepped to Adam, and grabbed his hair to lift his had up. Adam gasped for air.  
\- Tutafanya nini na wewe? – He asked him, but I guessed he was sure, Adam would not understand. He shook his hand holding Adam’s hair, so his head had to move with it. Hi face was distorted because of the violent move.  
\- Tafsiri yangu, bitch! – he spat at me. I knew he knows English, he was just playing a stupid game. For a moment I was speechless, not really knowing what to do.  
\- Kufanya kama nasema! – he shouted at me, with a terrible face.  
\- He… he is asking – I started – what to do with you – I felt my mouth is dry, the words didn’t come out easily.  
This is the part in a movie, when the hero comes back with a witty taunt, making the offender feel stupid. But in real life, the brain is so numb, nothing comes to the mind. Adam just looked at the big man, with horrified eyes. For not responding he got a huge slap on his face.  
\- Kumchukua nje! – the big man ordered, and some guys, who were most probably standing in the door rushed in, to take him out.  
It took 4 of them to grab his body, and drag him out. He didn’t make a sound, but I couldn’t hold myself back, I started shouting and screaming in protest, though I knew well, it will be no use. However sometimes one cannot hold back their anger and desperation.  
The big man stepped close to me squatting down to my level. He gently pated my face  
\- Don’t worry pretty one, I didn’t forget about you… You will get your treatment as well – he laughed while caressing my breasts. I felt disgusted, and wanted to puke.  
The upcoming… well maybe hours were dreadful. He took me into another room, there was a bed in it and some other furniture, and equipment, some unknown to me, but others terrifyingly familiar. However soon I learned how most of them are used. These were tools for torture.  
As a leader he took me first. He was violent, as I was tied to the bed he raped me mercilessly. I cannot even describe the pain and emotions I felt. I just wanted it to end. But him finishing with me, did not mean that it was over. Other people came in, as I understood soldiers of high rank, and they were not less aggressive.  
I lost counting of men, who assaulted me. They had wild sexual fantasies, and creative ways to cause pain, but not letting me pass out. However I wished that to happen.  
But they grew bored of me after a while and I was left tied up to the bed.  
Alone.  
I was disgusted of my own body, completely used and covered in various bodily fluids. Then my self-pity was abrupt by noises from outside. I heard shouting and screaming, and the blunt sound of repeated hitting. I soon realized it was Adam, they were maltreating. I could hear his voice, and behind my eyes, I couldn’t avoid but envisioned, what is happening outside.  
In another torture room probably. I guessed he is also tied up somehow, and these men taking turs in hitting, cutting and injuring him. I heard the English and Swahili curses they shouted at him while kicking him. Then I heard laughter. They were pleased with the destruction they have made. Then relative silence took the air.  
This went on for a time. I couldn’t even guess for how long. Some people found groove sexually assaulting me, while others had their fun time tormenting Adam in the other room in various ways. With time, his voice became weaker and weaker, not responding so vehemently, to the atrocities and pain.  
If only we could get out somehow. But as time passed, the possibility of this grew even smaller. Both of us became forceless, as no food or water was given to us. Well none to me, and I guessed, he was not treated any nicer.  
After some time (days perhaps), the big man came in. By that time I tried to get my mind distant from my body, trying to drift apart from reality, which was only pain and humiliation. So time for another round….  
But it wasn’t. The big man leaned close to my face, maliciously whispering.  
\- Well even a white cunt can become boring after a while… so we try something else. –  
Again that evil laugh as he turned away, while some of his men untied my restraints, and tossed me to stand up. I fell on my knees as I was too weak, and did not use my legs for… yes most probably days. They grabbed my arms and violently dragged me out to another room.  
This room was flooding with light, it really did hurt my eyes, and it took me a while to get somewhat adjusted to it. I saw a big table in the middle, with men standing next to the walls, and next to the table there was him.  
Adam, in restraints, on a leash. He was in a bad shape now, his body, which I admired a while ago almost completely lost its fine texture, now covered with bruises and oozing, most probably heavily infected, shallow and deep wounds. I could see on him, that he is almost unable to stand, and he appeared weaker than I remembered. How long have we been here?  
I was led to the table as well, so I could face Adam. I was so happy to see him, I think my face lit up, when I laid eyes on him, even though his physical appearance was a complete mess. He also looked at me. I think I saw a sparkle of light gliding through his eyes when we looked at each other. Within all horror, it was good to see each other alive.  
But a guy from behind slapped the back of his head with a rod forcing him to look down. I also did the same before I get a hit too. I noticed the sump of blood and cum on the floor between my feet. I was shaking, and felt ill.  
\- It seems, my good comrades, that you are no longer satisfied with the recent fun we had – the big man said with his deep booming voice. The people around us started to giggle.  
\- So let’s see, how others do it – he laughed himself.  
I looked at Adam desperately. What will happen to us now? He looked back at me from behind his hair, with similar face.  
The big man took a few steps to reach Adam. He put his hand on his shoulder with an awkward and fake friendliness. I noticed they were about the same height.  
\- Look at me mzungu – he ordered him. Adam looked in his face straight.  
\- Show us, how you fuck this piece of ass – he said to him strictly but at the same time he smiled. I think he expected a good show, together with the others.  
Adam pulled himself back in disbelief, shaking his head. \- No.... No - he whispered. Meanwhile two men simply tossed me on the table, I landed on my knees.  
\- Get up there and do as I told you! – the big man shouted in Adam’s face, then hit him in the back so hard, he almost crashed the table.  
I was shaking. Not because of being afraid of Adam, but this new way of torture, not knowing the outcome. With hits, and threatening him with a knife, they convinced Adam to climb on the table as well. We were kneeling face to face, but I couldn’t look at him. Neither of us moved. Then someone started to hit both of us with a stick, and another grabbed a leather belt, and joined the hitting, with the buckle on the unfortunate end of it. The others started shouting and raising their fists.  
Suddenly Adam moved close and tightly hugged me. He tried to cover my side and back with his hands, most probably to protect me from this torture. He whispered in my ear:  
\- Jo… I cannot –  
\- We have to – I replied as softly as I could. Despite of his protecting hands I still received some of the hits, and the force of this violence shook the both of us. I felt him trembling as well.  
\- No… I … I don’t want to do this… to you – he continued.  
\- Kiss me … please – I begged him, but he shook his head  
\- Don’t do this … -  
As my hands got stuck between the two of us, I gently tried to push him away from me. He felt this, in spite of his will, he loosened his hug. We were face to face. I realized the hitings somewhat decreased. The men realized, something is happening. I looked him straight in the eye, while he still shook his head in disagreement. I leaned close to him, and gently kissed his now absolutely dry, bruised lips. He responded to it hesitantly.  
\- Jo I cannot do this – his voice was almost crying  
\- You must – I whispered back strictly  
I touched his manhood, and realized with fear that it was soft. I gently started to stroke it for him, looking at his chest, then laying a few small kisses on his skin. I could still feel the scent of his skin through all the filth he was covered in. Then I slowly bent forward reaching his crotch with my face. I had to make him hard, as I feared the consequences.  
I kissed the top of his penis first then licked it for a short time, then began to suck it.  
\- The bitch enjoys it! – I heard shoutings from all around. But I also heard his voice, weak and imploring: - Don’t do this … please – but there was no way to stop. This must happen, otherwise we might die. And I was not ready for it. Deep within I was still hoping for salvation. So I continued despite of his antagonism.  
Finally I felt he is getting harder and harder. I felt awkward as I could almost cry from relief. At least this part is done. I heard his low-key moanings, and even managed to get the taste of his precum.  
The men got bored after a while.  
\- Enough romance – they shouted, and suddenly I felt a leather belt around my neck violently pulling me back, I banged the back of my head in the solid table. Adam looked at me abashed.  
The big man stepped next to Adam and tossed him in his back so he landed on top of me, holding himself up with his arms.  
\- Do it! Fuck her hard, or we kill both of you! – he shouted.  
I managed to reach out to him, and pulled him close. I kissed him softly and nodded, to assure him, it is all right. But he couldn’t move. Some men started to hit his back, possibly with the leather belt.  
\- Please … - I sighed in his ear, while I spread my legs to make space for him. I felt his now rock hard cock against my pubes.  
\- I can’t… I can’t rape you – he murmured back.  
\- Then just have sex with me – I replied with shaking voice.  
I felt the urge to get this started as soon as possible. I was wet not sure of because the previous sexual actions, or because of somehow, this situation made me aroused. Maybe both. A few times in the past I thought of making love to him. I imagined him as being gentle and caring, but at the same time knowing what to do with a woman.  
But this I not making love. This is fucking for survival.  
He nodded, but still was unable to move. I reached down to help him in position. Then gently grabbed his bottom and started to push him towards. I felt him entering me, the dirty pit, used and abused by many, into a wounded bleeding vagina, most probably carrying deadly diseases.  
It hurt a lot. But he descended slowly, and I realized he is actually crying. I touched his bruise covered but still beautiful face to console him.  
\- It’s okay – I whispered – it’s okay –  
He then gently started pumping. He was well aware of my pain, and tried to be as careful as possible. But the soldiers didn’t enjoy the show. First they hastened him with words, then started to hit him again, with most probably whatever they had in their hands. But this didn’t have a real effect on him.  
The big man stepped right behind my head, pulled a knife and held it to my throat. I even felt the blade cutting my skin. I didn’t dare to breathe.  
\- Fuck her, or I’ll cut her neck in front of you –  
I didn’t want to look at him, as he started to be faster. But even this wasn’t enough, so the beating continued, and the knife further entered my tissue. I couldn’t hold back my cries.  
Then something broke in Adam. He lost it, whatever it was. I felt him speeding up, he almost fucked like an animal, I could hear him madly shouting, as he became more brutal. His voice was a mixture of agony and aggressiveness.  
I also cried out not once, but constantly, it hurt so much, feeling him pounding in me, opening up the inner wounds. I wanted to cover my face, to hide my misery but someone held my arms down. Then I understood that it is him holding me down, pinching me to the table. I got frightened. But I just had to lay there, and wait for it to finish, and survive somehow. Like I had to, in all the other rapes. But this was different. This was not an unknown brute, but a man who I knew and felt close to. It was Adam betraying me, and himself at the same time.  
He finished with a bestial moan and pulled out immediately, falling back on the table. His impulse straight flew away as he looked back at me. I was crying, my body was shaking. He looked at me, at what he just did with unspeakable fright.  
\- What have I done? – he whispered, but I could hear him through the cheering shouts of the men. I couldn’t speak. The blade was still against my throat, I felt the blood running down on the side of my neck in a thin line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please give me feedback and critics
> 
> thank you


	11. Within dark cells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi, this is just a small interlude.  
> I tired to somehow portray the feelings within Jo's head.  
> Adam is not present in this episode, well not "bodily", but as it is short, you will run through it quickly.
> 
> However feedbacks/comments are highly appreciated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this tiny chapter is here because of pacing.  
> I did not want to rush the story to the next (well in m plans) more brutal episode, I felt the nned to slow it down a little, just for a few sentences, so the actions in the next chapter might thrill you :). If I just add terrible happenings, piled on each other, the reader might become insensitive or bored.
> 
> If there is any reader :D

It is dark and cold outside. I grabbed the biggest, warmest blanket from the sofa to go out. Lit a candle and made a cigarette. Just sitting on a makeshift bench, staring in the dark air, or inside my own mind, lamenting or being completely empty.  
I enjoy this, even if it is chilling cold. 

* * * * *

It is cold, and dark… and I have no cigarette.  
I have no clothes, or blankets. I am naked. And alone.

Regaining consciousness in a damp and dark cell. No one is here. Just me, a trapped soul in a smashed, broken body. I cannot hear anything.  
And I don’t have a damn cigarette.  
I’m not bothered to sit up. Laying on the dirty ground suits me now better.  
Damaged. Humiliated. Disconnected.

What happened afterwards? It hurts even to think… to recall the memories.  
He was snatched off to the floor. His voice echoes in my ear, in my mind. What is he shouting? Did he scream in protest?  
No.  
His voice was for me… he asked for forgiveness. From me.

Then he was dragged out from the room, tried to fight back, maybe to reach the table again.  
I heard his scream from outside. And laughter.  
Deadly screaming, it even made his deep soothing voice pitch high. What have they done to him? What torture was up for him next?  
Is he still alive?

I am so fuckin’ lonely.  
I want to tell him, it is not his fault. That he is innocent. He is also a victim of these brutes just as I am.

But he is not here… and maybe that hurts the most.

Will I see him again? Furthermore, will we ever in this life be able to share a cigarette… again?  
That would be nice. To sit by his side, free of all pain, looking at his beautiful face, get lost in his eyes.

Last time he was crying. His eyes were red with pain. Then fury. Then regret. I think… If only I could hug him, stroke his hair, and whisper in his ear, that all is allright. That whatever he thinks his sin is, it is forgiven.  
That I can cure him from this pain…  
To feel our hearts beat together.  
To sense his breath on my skin.  
To never let him go again.

I want to shout. Shout till the walls fall down, or my lungs collapse. Shout to reach the heavens.  
I want to let him know, that I am alive. I am still here.  
And I want to hear his voice in response.

Please just once more… maybe just to say goodbye.

 

The silence in this cell is maddening. Or is it in my head?  
I should fall back to unconsciousness. I try to sleep. Some hours are out.


	12. Would you kill for me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last gore for this I think.  
> The ship goes down, but not finally... there is hope at the end. I don't like to torture like forever :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had a lot of trouble writing this chapter, as I wanted it to be really heavy.  
> The tittle is a Marilyn manson song. I felt i relevant...
> 
> Please read, and leave comment, cheers and criticism are both welcomed  
> And forgive my not so bright Englsih grammar, I sometimes have trouble. But I hope it will still be an enjoyable reading

Chapter 12. would you kill for me

Like and endless cycle of torment. A fucked up, horrific merry-go-round. The awakening from every pass out is the same. Beatings, kicks, blood, being dragged and raped, semen, more blood. Lost counting of the encounters.  
I should have felt numb by now. I should have given up. I should have died.  
But none of that happened. I was here, and every act of brutality hurt as it did the first time.  
Over and over…. and over again.  
I didn’t see Adam for a while now. Was it hours, days or even longer? Couldn’t realize the time that had passed, since we were robbed from our freedom. I started to count the violent wakenings, but then I lost track completely.  
We will die here. The only question is when…

Where is Adam?  
Is he dead already? His precious body dumped somewhere to rot, and become a feast of flies, and other scavengers?  
Missing him, not knowing where he is, how he is, is he alive at all felt the most painful of it all. When the brutes let me be, alone in the dark and damp cell, I often fell into some kind of delirium, with visions, or dreams whirling around in my mind.  
I saw him a lot in these visions. His beautiful raven hair, his dark gaze, his veined hand holding a cigarette, his nostrils when smoothly blowing out some smoke. The black-brown spots on his face, amused how these tiny defects on his skin actually made him even more perfect.  
Then I remembered the last time we saw each other. The images and the sentiment of it haunted me like a million times. I couldn’t escape, but reliving all of it. Like a screwed up vinyl, always jumping back to the same song.  
Sometimes I was fantasizing about escaping. But it all seemed in vain.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
Too much light, and too much people. Way too much and awfully loud noise.  
What is happening?  
I tried to look around, but soon realized that my hands are tied to a… pole? Indeed. I felt the wooden pole at my front, touching my cheek and skin. Not sure if the pole is dirty, or I am. Maybe both. Doesn’t matter really. I can hardly stand, and the ropes on my wrists way too high above my head are hurting badly. But that doesn’t matter either. Everything hurts.  
Where am I?  
Where is he?  
For a few minutes only the soldiers arrived in the room, through the numerous doors it had. Then the big man entered as well, and the room fell in silence. Everyone was waiting for him to reveal what is going to happen.  
Including me.

But he didn’t speak. Instead he almost unnoticeably waved, and four of his men swiftly exited the room, just to return in less than a minute. They escorted a large, but visibly broken figure, chains loudly crying at their every step.  
There he was. Adam was alive… I almost fell on my knees in relief, and couldn’t help, but started to cry. My whole body was shaking.  
\- Adam … - I whispered. It was like a healing potion to pronounce his name. I wanted to shout, but knew that would not serve any good.  
He was tossed to step into the light, and I could observe his shrunken figure stooping, most probably from malnutrition and pain, his dear hair was hanging, like a dirty rag chewed up by rabid dogs, He was covered in a mucus like substance, and full of wounds.  
The big man stepped close to him, and stuck his cane under his chin, to slowly lift it up, so everyone could see. It was all part of his sick show I guess.  
Adam allowed his head to be moved upwards without any resistance. His Adam’s apple was moving up and down, as he tried to swallow, but I was sure he could only swallow dirt or something. I was sure, he had a number of broken bones, and some of his wounds were still bleeding.  
The big man grinned, and suddenly slapped Adam’s face with his cane. He almost fell, but let out only a tiny hiss. The soldiers held him in position. Everyone was eager to learn what is going on. I realized I started to tremble, first almost invisible, but with the heavy seconds passed, while this repulsive huge man silently paraded around the room, giving a sinister grin to almost each and every of his men, my body didn’t listen to me anymore, and the tremor grew stronger and stronger.  
I tried to focus on Adam, but he wasn’t looking at me. Was not sure, if he simply did not realize that I was also in the room, or he purposefully avoided me. Either way, the more I looked at him, his tormented body, his damaged skin, it became more and more miserable.  
Why cannot they just shoot us in the head?  
He was led a few steps closer to the pole. He could hardly walk, but held himself together, to shake as minimum as possible. I leaned against the pole, as I felt I can faint in any minute. I was not used to standing, and had absolutely no stamina to do so. If my hands fall off because the rope cut them… so be it.  
He was a few steps away from the pole, and me, in the middle of this hall-like room, which seemed to be lit by too many artificial light sources or something.  
Not that it matters. Not that any of it matters. We are dead already I guess.

He slowly lifted up his head. Finally he looked at me. Thank God, he recognized me. Neither of us knew what facial expression to make. We just stared at each other. His body was decaying, but his eyes lit up a tiny bit, and I felt a hint stronger by it. But there was something else in his eyes. Guilt maybe?  
Then his chains were taken off. They fell on the concrete ground with a huge thrill. He adjusted his hand than his whole posture, somewhat straightening his back. He was still a head or more higher than most of the soldiers.  
Except the big man. Who now stepped closer to him.  
\- Muzungu, we have a trait for you now – he spoke with sparkling eyes, I imagined, he had a big gulp of saliva in his mouth, just because of the thought of his gruesome plan. I was sure he had some terrible ideas.  
A soldier stepped to him, and placed an object into his big puffy hand. He looked down, and toyed a little bit with it. I heard some tingling sound, and the men around us started to murmur between each other. I didn’t want to know what it is. Nothing kind or pleasurable I assumed.  
He stepped close to Adam, and they made eye contact. A long stare, a game of power, but Adam didn’t quail. He just stood there looking directly in the eyes of our tormentor. I was shaking.  
\- Take this muzungu – he said and pushed the object into Adam’s huge palm. Adam didn’t even flinch.  
For a second I thought he dropped that thing. But that is not what happened. Parts of that thing hit the ground with a hussing noise. The big man stepped aside. Then I saw it. It was a whip with multiple lashes hanging long. Maybe made of leather. However there were some bits standing out of the leashes like spikes or something.  
The big man was smiling, as he looked around the room. His men were curious. And I had a terrible guess.  
\- Sasa mzungu atapiga makofi ya bitch bluu – his voice was booming as he announced the program. My body involuntarily tried to move away from the pole, as a reflex ignited by panic. I pinned my gaze on the floor, not daring to look up, breathing heavily. Adam also understood something of it, at least the reactions or something, as I heard his bare feet nervously tapping on the ground.  
The big man stepped next to me, and grabbed my hair forcing my head up.  
\- Tafsiri – he demanded me to translate. I gasped for some air. He motioned my head to look straight in Adam’s direction.  
\- He … he says, you have to whip me – I managed.  
He lurched while the whip in his shaking hand made an awful noise. He looked at me, eyes clouded, and shook his head.  
\- Come muzungu, you will enjoy it – the big man said to him invitingly, and the men around began to cheer. I was out of words, out of breath out of… everything.  
Adam stepped back, lifted the whip half way up, just to throw it on the ground. All his muscles seemed tense, eyes full of rage now.  
\- No – he said, and wanted to turn I guess.  
\- Do it –the big man said. But Adam just shook his head  
\- Do it – the brute shouted, while I felt saliva spilled out of his mouth, right on my face.  
\- No – Adam said again, in a surprisingly calm tone, and turned a bit. Then he got it.  
A soldier, who had a machete in his hand, swiftly slapped him in the face with the weapon. So hard Adam fell on the ground. The others cheered continuously. Might be a good pre-show element.  
I wanted to look away, but couldn’t, as the big man was still holding my head in place. Some men snatched Adam from the floor, trying to hold him in an upright position, then they turned to face us. Them and Adam.  
His face… was damaged. A huge red, bleeding wound across his right cheek, eye and forehead. He could hardly stand. By a gesture of the big man, a soldier took the whip from the floor, and pushed it in Adam’s hand again. He could barely hold it.  
\- Will you do it now? – the big man asked with faux friendliness in his voice. But Adam shook his head again – No… -  
The big man sighed and waved to one of his men, who disappeared behind one of the doors.  
Adam’s face was bleeding badly, his blood was dripping on the concrete floor, almost disappearing in the dry surface. He didn’t look up. Maybe he was just watching his own life fading away drop by drop. Crying was suffocating me, however my eyes were dry, could not spread a tear.  
Maybe it would be easier to die.  
In a matter of minutes the guy returned, dragging something, or rather someone with him. As he came closer, I saw, he is pulling a girl after him. Her hands were tied as well, and she couldn’t be more than ten years old.  
What… ?  
The tiny black girl was silent, didn’t dare to look around, eyes fixated downwards. But her tiny, skinny body was visibly shaking. She was led next to the big man, who teased her hair with artificial gentleness.  
Then he let go of both of us, one of his men, the guy with the machete stepped in his place near the girl. I looked down at her. What a tiny little creature. A few years in this life, and I guess she witnessed and experienced more abuse, than any of us. How absolutely devastating. And how many others are in the same position.  
But she is here now. In the same room. Being part of the torment.  
The big man went close to Adam, to be face to face with him again.  
\- Listen muzungu, enough games. My soldiers need some good entertainment. To boost up their spirit you know. It is war here, in my country. So here is the deal.  
He stepped a bit to the side, and continued.  
\- You see that little girl? you see? – Adam lifted up his gaze, to look at her. Was hard for him to move his head, his wound seemed really terrible, and still bleeding. I could see his expression changing as he understood, what is going on. His eyes darkened, and he adjusted his jaw in his familiar way.  
\- I do – he replied after a short while  
\- Good … So, we get our parade, you whipping your precious little whore – here he winked at Adam, reminding him of our previous event – let’s say thirty times, and in exchange, we will not kill this adorable little girl… how is that for business? – at the end, he was almost laughing about his own ability to present this horror.  
Adam was staring at the girl for long seconds, then he looked at me, almost unnoticeably shaking his head. He looked helpless, not knowing what to do, but being sure of what he didn’t want to do. None of this shit. The guy with the machete grabbed the girl from the back and held the blade to her thin little neck. She looked up now terrified and let out a short cry. I was sure she was cut. I couldn’t help but started to squirm dismayed, looking back to Adam from the girl. I didn’t want her to be hurt, but it was already happening.  
\- Do it, you son of a bitch, or the girl’s death will be your sin! – the big man shouted right into Adam’s ear. He was tossed forward. He still didn’t move on his own, he was paralyzed. If his eyes could’ve screamed…  
The guy restricted his grip on the girl, pushing the blade a tiny bit more in. The girl didn’t dare to move, but her face was distorted by pain. I looked at Adam desperately. He cannot allow this girl to be beheaded in front of us. Because of me…  
\- Csináld – I said finally directly to him. It was in Hungarian, I strongly hoped he remembers. It means ‘do it’.  
He still stood motionless. The shock disabled him. I looked at him imploringly, accompanied by the noises of the girl crying. And the men urging him.  
\- Csináld! – I repeated. I didn’t dare to look at the girl anymore. With every hesitated second, the blade penetrated her weak skin more. Please…. please…. I couldn’t take it anymore.  
\- Csináld!!! – I shouted at him, and finally he motioned towards the pole.  
The people cheered. To hell with you all, twisted fucks.  
Adam slowly walked around the pole with wobbly steps, to get behind me. The men gave him the space. I couldn’t see him anymore. I focused on the dirty surface of the piece of wood in front of me. It will begin now.  
I could hear my own heartbeat. As the seconds passed.

Then the scary and awkwardly clinging sound of the whip.  
First strike. I shouted like mad, when the lashes, and the metal spikes, that were embroidered in them somehow hit the skin on my back. The people around me were shouting also. Cheering Adam to continue. But the big man stepped to him.  
\- Stupid muzungu, this is not the way- He said angrily, and I think he grabbed the whip from Adam’s hand, and he blew the second strike.  
Hadn’t been tied, I would have fell on my knees. The power and the pain was unbearable. I thought the first one was beyond my endurance, but this. The force of the spikes entering and tearing up my skin was killing. I prayed to loose consciousness.  
He then forced the handle of the whip back to Adam’s hand. A few moments of stillness behind my back, while I tried to collect my remaining strength. There was none.  
Then he stroked again. This time more energy in it, and although I didn’t want to but imagined, that by now, there is no skin on my back. By the time we finish, I will have no flesh there. And I will be dead for sure.  
I heard Adam’s voice shouting mixed with painful groanings at each strike. I lost counting. And luckily consciousness.

Face down on the ground. Never wanted to wake up, but with some injection they managed to revive me. After I came round, and realized where I am and what just happened I felt numb. No pain, or at least I didn’t realize it. I saw my blood around me. I saw boots as well. For a few seconds I didn’t hear anything, and my vision was blurry, but slowly clearing. I wanted to, but couldn’t lift my head up to look around. I felt beyond … I wasn’t sure how I felt. Dizzy, ready to throw up, partly paralyzed, weak, and without any hope. Please, end me.  
After a while I could move my head a bit.  
I was in the same room, I could see the pole, surrounded by blood. Most probably my blood. On the other side a tiny body. Yes, there was a child with us. People all around, I could hear them but failed to understand them. And not far to my side there was a white shadow. Trembling.  
Crying?  
His shoulders were shaking, face hidden in his palms, cloaked by his black curls. Blood was oozing between his fingers, as he let out desperate groans of pain.  
Adam was not crying. I think he, however being conscious, mentally was passed out. He slowly let his hands down, I could see his blood-patched face… and his eyes looking into nothing.  
And I was alive… but why?  
The men also realized I am alive. Accompanied by some shouting, two of them grabbed my arms and lifted me up. The forced me to stand on my feet. I fell two times, but for the third approach, I managed to stay stand. I wasn’t sure, why I was trying. Now I felt serious pain in my back, bum and legs, but it was not as hurtful as I expected. It must have been the drug. Whatever it was.  
\- Oh you woke up. Had a nice dream? – the big man stepped close to me.  
I didn’t look at him, but turned my head towards Adam. He was keeling on the ground totally destroyed, his body weirdly shaking.  
\- So… up for the next round? – he asked with irritating cheerfulness. The soldiers agreed. They were ready.  
I just didn’t want to look at him. But he forced me to. He was really good at this.  
\- Now the tables turn … - he laughed. He is truly fucking proud of himself. As he held my neck, I really felt the burning pain in my back, and maybe some blood still dripping.  
\- Look, here is your little girlfriend – He slowly escorted me to the pole.  
Then I clearly saw her. The tiny girl. Her neck was in a makeshift bondage. Standing next to the pole. Tied up to the pole. What…. ? No. please no.  
But the whip was pushed in my hand now. I looked at it, transfixed. The leases were still stained of my blood, and now I could closely check, how sharp these metal spikes were. I was horrified to the bones. I think if I would have anything left in my stomach I would have vomited then. I almost dropped the whip, because my hand started to shake and I couldn’t stop it.  
Adam seemed to be left alone, but the machete guy was hovering around him. Like he was waiting for something. I looked at the girl. Her tiny body was almost torn into pieces, she was tied up so strongly. She was crying, trying to hide her face in the wood in front of her.  
\- So here is your part of the deal – the big man started again – you whip this girl, and we will not kill your white boyfriend –  
In an instant the guy with the machete jumped behind Adam, grabbed his hair, and did not hesitate to push the blade in the skin of his neck. Adam suddenly switched back to reality, but didn’t dare to move, and a tiny strain of blood ran down on his chest.  
\- But – he continued – for you to see my good will, twelve strokes are enough. You only lasted till sixteen anyways – he grinned right in my face.  
Twelve strikes on this little body? Surely that would be fatal. I cannot. In protest I stepped back. This cannot happen. This is not going to happen.  
I looked at Adam. Our eyes met in a long gaze. I shook my head, but he couldn’t react.  
We will go down now. The battle is lost. And at this point, I gave up my life… and his.  
\- Sajnálom – I told him through the room of mad brutes. It was in Hungarian again.  
‘I’m sorry’  
Time froze. It was just him and me. His face slowly rested, his muscles relaxed, and a peculiar expression of peace brought a little light to his face. The wound on his face still oozing blood, but his eyes pierced mine, his gaze was dark and bright at the same time.  
He understood. This will end now.  
Everything will end now.  
…  
Then… explosion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, how did you like it?

**Author's Note:**

> I had good time writting, but some feedback would come handy :D


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